There are times in which you wish you could go back in time and say the things that needed to be said but somehow you never found the right moment to tell them. And funny thing is that it was always the right moment but you didn’t know how to tell them. My mother told me that it’s never too late to do something to change the present, to give the past a little rest and to help the future shine for us. She said the only thing that could make us believe that it’s too late to do something, is death. Because that’s the end of it all, at least that’s what we believe in. Everything else has a solution. If there is an equation, then there is always a way to solve it. Relationships are the hardest things in life. Because, just in case nobody knew that, relationships consist on more than one person. So communication, truth and acceptation are the basics for every human relationship. If you are successful with all three of them then I think you have found the meaning of love. And although it sounds stupid, unbelievable, childish, weird or extremely cheesy I will say all the things I want to say. Because I can and it could never be enough. So he must know that it’s all true.

CB,the fact that I went above and beyond to be with you and that you never did anything for me,for whatever reason doesn’t matter anymore, does not change a thing, it never changed a thing and it never will. I know I shouldn’t. I know you might not deserve it. But this is how I love you; exactly for who you are.You see, my love went into different phases. It started with only wanting to be with you everywhere and all the time. Then it moved to falling for you although it felt more like a rising.Then it turned into actually doing everything necessary to be with you and I think I took it to the extreme. Then it grew into putting together every moment we shared so I could get to know you and love you for who you are. After that, somehow and for some unknown reason, it jumped a big leap into being able to give my life for you if ever needed to happen. And now I just want you to be happy. I want you to find everything you need and have the courage to fight for what you want. I want you to find your happiness and stick with it. Even if you are never with me. Even when you don’t love me back I’ve given in so I could love you beyond anything reasonable and with every single fiber of my being.

Throughout that scale, fear invaded me; your unknown world which you never cleared for me, the things you said you did and made them seem bad all the time like it was okay to fear you, and my circumstances somehow affecting you and crashing against your ideals and sooner or later hate me for them. Or even worse, feeling pity for me. Now that would make me hate you. So I couldn’t realize how this love was growing inside of me. The only thing I always waited for was for you to show me that you wanted my love for real. To stop fantasizing about me and make me real. To let me into your world and come into mine. To build some common ground together, you know. But I never wanted to ask you for anything in exchange of my love. Because I wanted for it to come from you without me telling you what to do. I wanted for my love to never interfere with your free will. I didn't want you to be with me just because I love you. Everything I could give you will never be enough for both of us. I think I deserve to be loved as well for who I am. And I waited to see if you actually loved me but I don't think you even care or know me a little. I believed that if we were put between all this nonsense it's because something, somehow believed we could deal with all this and more. Something believed in us, something gave us all we need to jump every obstacle we could find in the way and finally be together. I believed all this when I believed in you.

I’m sorry if I confused you. I always wanted to see that “anything” you said you would do for me. Or at least to know what it was all about. But I think you weren’t sure about it so I never bugged you about it. Still that doesn’t change how I feel for you. I don’t understand why you never could do that “anything” to be with me but I accept it because it was your choice. If I say I realized too late it’s because we both let it fade away. Whatever little hope we had in each other, we let it vanish. It’s not that I never gave you the chance, the chance was always there and you knew it. I never denied it to you but you never wanted to take it. Somehow I could never understand what it was that you really wanted with me. And I tried to make you understand how I felt. I tried to communicate with you to tell you what was going on with me and all the things I was going through. Hoping you would try to do the same. I tried and you have almost a thousand proofs of it. Never read.

But you were never clear. And I never knew if it was me the one who couldn’t understand you or it was you the one who didn’t want to be understood. Maybe I always expected too much from you but I believed you were able to give me that much, that you were those who break the stereotype. And I think I deserve that much. It breaks my heart to know that your good intentions never grew as much as mine did. If you only knew that I always wanted to be with you in every single way from the very first moment I saw you. There was something about you that made us so alike and so opposite at the same time that I just craved for you. And I couldn’t retain it. I didn’t want to hide it. I always tried to make you laugh. To say crazy things so you could make fun of me. To behave dumb and innocent just to get a smile out of you, to get a joke out of you, or one of those comments of yours that made everybody laugh. I was happy most of the time, although uncertainty was killing me, just to make you happy. Just to let you know I was okay in case you ever cared. I always asked questions not to bother you but to get to know you a little better. I didn't want to lie to you at all so I told you everything and that was probably a big mistake but I thought maybe that way you could finally open up with me. I remember all of our conversations. Those times when you actually shared your thoughts with me. Those times when we both fell asleep talking nonsense on the phone. Those times in which you weren't afraid of saying what you really wanted to say. Those times in which I hated you for falling asleep while I waited for your call. None of the things you ever said were ridiculous to me, they meant the world to me. Those times in which we both wished on lie down holding each other, just lie down next to each other it's how we dreamed of spending the nights. Every single thing I did and said had you written all over it. I just thought you should know.

So now after all this time we have wasted away from each other, tell me the truth. That you are happy now. Tell me you don’t miss me as much as I do. Tell me that you never loved me. That you have found happiness away from me. If we had trouble with being together before now it’s even harder because my love seems to be too much for you and yours I simply don’t know. And I don’t think I could ever know. I don’t read minds, yet. I wish though, so I could understand you. I don’t know how things can get better with time if you are not here. But I’ll try, I promise you. I’ll try.

Why am I confessing all this then? Well, it’s because it helps relieve this pain. It’s like a pill to help calm this painful longing for you. At least I won’t leave anything unsaid.

Nothing could ever be enough... to finish telling you everything...

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.

I've been so tired lately.I fall asleep wherever I am;at dinner time,on the couch,on the floor watching tv,on my computer.I just want to sleep but somehow I don't feel like waking up anymore.Honestly every morning recently starts when I open my eyes and the first thing I say is "why another day?why am I still here?".I was remembering myself a few months ago when everything was becoming routine and tiring.I remember myself 25lbs ago,by the way I am 10lbs under my ideal now.I remember myself so focused on my goals and strong faith.I believed in everything around me.I believed in goodness inside of people and hope that could elevate you close to paradise ought to be like.I believed in fate just to keep myself fighting instead of giving up.I believed in reasons for everything we do and we don't do.I believed in a purpose for my existence which someday was going to reveal itself to me.I believed that everything was possible and reachable.You just had to believed you could and nothing could stop you from getting and achieving what you desire.

My inspiration came from a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.I believed that love was something meant to reward you.To make you kneel down besides your pride and the resistance you put against it.(I still believe though that love can't touch your dignity,it doesn't mess up with it,instead it bugs your pride.)To make you want to become better.To make you realize how blind and wrong you've been all this time.To make you forgive anything when truth becomes tangible and it's born from the very core of your soul.To make you amazingly perfect.But the question is:Does it have to be mutual? And my answer after so many days,weeks and months is:No.It does not have to be mutual.What else could you wish for but for it to be mutual? But it doesn't matter.Although the recipient of this love doesn't want it,love is always given.It can't be denied,replaced or taken away.I believed that was the only way I could notice when the one meant for me would arrive to my life.I believed that he could be the only one to make me bring my wall down,that shield I have to protect the most sensible part of me,and let him into my world.I believed he was going to come when I needed him the most to save me from myself.And I also believed I was going to do the same to him;make a change for good in his life.That was my way to recognize the one meant for me.

I don't understand why.And maybe I don't want to understand reasons anymore but I can't imagine how my beliefs have changed.I think when someone very special to you disappoints all your trust and your faith in that person,you reach this point.You stop believing.You stop caring about everything you used to care for so much.You stop believing in hope.You lose your faith.It's like the best thing could happen to me the next second and I wouldn't even notice it.Because it doesn't matter anymore.Because the meaning you found walked away with that person.And sadly,he didn't even realize all he took from me.

Truth is crappy when it had been there all the time but you didn't want to see it.It's ugly when everyone warned you about it;they could see things that you ignored because you had faith in that person's words.You had faith in that someone's favorite phrase he used to keep you feeding his ego while he rejoiced having you like his shadow and all the other females shaking their artificial asses in front of him, all at the same time.But lucky him;he always had everything so I don't think he will even notice I am gone.And I won't come back this time.Lucky him;he has so many others to choose from and so many things that he won't even miss me a little.I am glad though.At least on his side,everything will be as smooth as always.I don't want him to suffer at all.

So when he made me realize I am only a number in his list, truth knocked me down.I don't have a name or a memory.I am number seven.And when number eight comes and asks him for all the others before her,I bet he will skip me.Then she will ask him the reason for skipping number seven and he will say that number seven never meant anything to him.At least he won't lie as he tells her.I can predict he will tell her that number seven is in a mental institution and he prefers to skip someone so embarrassing.

Why is my faith in everything missing,then? Creator is out of this,of course.Creator had nothing to do with it.Creator is a faith with certainty,it's indestructible.My love for this dude is certainty as well. Well,I guess the answer to that question is because he turned into my everything.And I stopped believing in him so obviously I stopped believing in everything.

My friend,Eric is moving away in one more month.Somehow I know that our friendship will be put to test when he is hours away from me.But he knows at least my side of the friendship won't break.He knows I don't throw amazing things away,I keep them although they hurt.He tried to cheer me up when he told me that maybe when he mentions me to his next one,he will not deny me anymore.And I laughed so hard at his comment.I laughed because I am tired of crying.I thanked him for trying to bring a smile to my face but I told him:why would he not deny me anymore?He always kept me on the side right outside of his world.Of course he will deny me.I never existed for him.He never wanted to make me real.

I don't forget,I don't hate,I don't take revenge,I don't curse anyone because I know for sure that I will do all that to the degree that I love.People tell me to stop being so passionate all the time but I was born with it.I was made like this.

So yep,I am only his number seven.And funny thing is that he erased all the others in my list to take the place of the only one who has all of me.He erased all the memories the other ones left in my past.My list is blank.No names,no memories.He is the first one like no other guy came into my path before him.And he became my only one.

Who said it was fair?Who said it was easy?I asked a very wise person why is it that we always let go of the things we truly want? And he answered me with his cozy voice that we do so because of fear.He said that we are so afraid of finding everything we are looking for in that something we want that fear blinds us and so we stick with something else safer.The things we desire wake up passion in us and we are terrified by letting ourselves be taken by that passion.Passion hurts,that's why you are always in pain,Vera.He gazed at me.The only thing we should do is go for it and stop being afraid of it.That's what I admire of you,Vera,he added,you are not afraid of passion;you climb on its back!.The rest of us,he said,are extremely terrified by it that's why we never keep what we truly want.Becoming a conformist is the safe side and everyone prefers that.

It's been so long since I don't see my friend,John.So I told him everything about him;who he is,all the things he likes,his dreams,his mistakes,his personality,his good and bad things,the things he hates,his beliefs,his ideals,his goals in life,his crazy thoughts.Everything about him except our story.My friend stared at my eyes the whole time.He smiled when I smiled and got sad when I got sad.Then he came close to me almost invading my personal space,so I backed away a little.He literally dropped his jaw and his eyes were shinning.I said:"what? What happened?" He answered while looking at my eyes:"You do love him.I can see him reflected in your eyes.You actually do.I just think none of you have realized yet how lucky you both are to have found each other.We all wait for this our whole lives and for the majority of us that someone never arrives.But you two found each other.Don't let go,he said." And so I answered that I wasn't letting go of him,I just felt like I was getting in his way and he pushed me away every time I tried to make contact with him.He never cared for anything about me but I don't think he will ever notice that.I know him enough to be able to say that he will blame the whole thing on me.John made a confession to me though,he said:"maybe life got you two together before time and he is not ready for you yet.You are way ahead of him,Vera.You know what you want but he doesn't.He might think he will lose everything if he is with you but in reality he had everything when you were with him and he still pushes you away.That's why his eyes were amazing when you went out with him just like yours are right now.If he is as intelligent as you said he is then he will notice soon.I hope so."I think I made him remember something about his youth as he began to cry with a smile on his face.He is 62 years old now.And he laughed and cried at the same time.I did as well.Then I added with tears in my eyes:"He has all the time he needs,John,I will never stop loving him."We looked funny.We looked crazy."I know you won't,Vera.I just hope he realizes soon because I don't want to see any of you away from each other anymore.You two deserve the chance life has given to both of you when you crossed paths.Time is not something you should take for granted,specially with someone like you,Vera.I want to see you and him happy as soon as possible."He concluded.And I thanked him for having the faith I can't seem to regain.Day after day,the leftovers of my faith keep fading away without him.

I told my friends that if he was ever in danger I am able to give my life for his.I wouldn't think about it twice.It is instinctive.It has been like this since he became my heart and that happened when we went out.Because life doesn't mean anything without him.Bitter people call me crazy,insane people call me a masochist,young people call me dramatic,old people call me complicated.I just know that none of them have ever loved anyone like this before.They end up putting their hurt pride in front of their love like if that could solve anything and looking for a replacement and hating the other one.I don't want to forget him,so I don't even try.I don't want to hate him because he had his reasons for not caring and there is no one to blame.I don't want to look for a replacement because I know I won't find it.And I am not waiting for him to do something so we could be together anymore.I stopped believing in his words.I am just loving him like he deserves to be loved,yes,besides everything;unconditionally,free and with every single bit of me.John believes I am very humble,this is why no one is able to understand it.Humble people are mistaken as being stupid or pushover that's why they are almost nonexistent,John says.Be happy,Vera,you are very special,he laughed out loud,one of a kind.


PS:After all the songs I've listened to this one and Digital love by Daft Punk will always be our songs,my man.
Linger by The Cranberries.