There are times in which you wish you could go back in time and say the things that needed to be said but somehow you never found the right moment to tell them. And funny thing is that it was always the right moment but you didn’t know how to tell them. My mother told me that it’s never too late to do something to change the present, to give the past a little rest and to help the future shine for us. She said the only thing that could make us believe that it’s too late to do something, is death. Because that’s the end of it all, at least that’s what we believe in. Everything else has a solution. If there is an equation, then there is always a way to solve it. Relationships are the hardest things in life. Because, just in case nobody knew that, relationships consist on more than one person. So communication, truth and acceptation are the basics for every human relationship. If you are successful with all three of them then I think you have found the meaning of love. And although it sounds stupid, unbelievable, childish, weird or extremely cheesy I will say all the things I want to say. Because I can and it could never be enough. So he must know that it’s all true.
CB,the fact that I went above and beyond to be with you and that you never did anything for me,for whatever reason doesn’t matter anymore, does not change a thing, it never changed a thing and it never will. I know I shouldn’t. I know you might not deserve it. But this is how I love you; exactly for who you are.You see, my love went into different phases. It started with only wanting to be with you everywhere and all the time. Then it moved to falling for you although it felt more like a rising.Then it turned into actually doing everything necessary to be with you and I think I took it to the extreme. Then it grew into putting together every moment we shared so I could get to know you and love you for who you are. After that, somehow and for some unknown reason, it jumped a big leap into being able to give my life for you if ever needed to happen. And now I just want you to be happy. I want you to find everything you need and have the courage to fight for what you want. I want you to find your happiness and stick with it. Even if you are never with me. Even when you don’t love me back I’ve given in so I could love you beyond anything reasonable and with every single fiber of my being.
Throughout that scale, fear invaded me; your unknown world which you never cleared for me, the things you said you did and made them seem bad all the time like it was okay to fear you, and my circumstances somehow affecting you and crashing against your ideals and sooner or later hate me for them. Or even worse, feeling pity for me. Now that would make me hate you. So I couldn’t realize how this love was growing inside of me. The only thing I always waited for was for you to show me that you wanted my love for real. To stop fantasizing about me and make me real. To let me into your world and come into mine. To build some common ground together, you know. But I never wanted to ask you for anything in exchange of my love. Because I wanted for it to come from you without me telling you what to do. I wanted for my love to never interfere with your free will. I didn't want you to be with me just because I love you. Everything I could give you will never be enough for both of us. I think I deserve to be loved as well for who I am. And I waited to see if you actually loved me but I don't think you even care or know me a little. I believed that if we were put between all this nonsense it's because something, somehow believed we could deal with all this and more. Something believed in us, something gave us all we need to jump every obstacle we could find in the way and finally be together. I believed all this when I believed in you.
I’m sorry if I confused you. I always wanted to see that “anything” you said you would do for me. Or at least to know what it was all about. But I think you weren’t sure about it so I never bugged you about it. Still that doesn’t change how I feel for you. I don’t understand why you never could do that “anything” to be with me but I accept it because it was your choice. If I say I realized too late it’s because we both let it fade away. Whatever little hope we had in each other, we let it vanish. It’s not that I never gave you the chance, the chance was always there and you knew it. I never denied it to you but you never wanted to take it. Somehow I could never understand what it was that you really wanted with me. And I tried to make you understand how I felt. I tried to communicate with you to tell you what was going on with me and all the things I was going through. Hoping you would try to do the same. I tried and you have almost a thousand proofs of it. Never read.
But you were never clear. And I never knew if it was me the one who couldn’t understand you or it was you the one who didn’t want to be understood. Maybe I always expected too much from you but I believed you were able to give me that much, that you were those who break the stereotype. And I think I deserve that much. It breaks my heart to know that your good intentions never grew as much as mine did. If you only knew that I always wanted to be with you in every single way from the very first moment I saw you. There was something about you that made us so alike and so opposite at the same time that I just craved for you. And I couldn’t retain it. I didn’t want to hide it. I always tried to make you laugh. To say crazy things so you could make fun of me. To behave dumb and innocent just to get a smile out of you, to get a joke out of you, or one of those comments of yours that made everybody laugh. I was happy most of the time, although uncertainty was killing me, just to make you happy. Just to let you know I was okay in case you ever cared. I always asked questions not to bother you but to get to know you a little better. I didn't want to lie to you at all so I told you everything and that was probably a big mistake but I thought maybe that way you could finally open up with me. I remember all of our conversations. Those times when you actually shared your thoughts with me. Those times when we both fell asleep talking nonsense on the phone. Those times in which you weren't afraid of saying what you really wanted to say. Those times in which I hated you for falling asleep while I waited for your call. None of the things you ever said were ridiculous to me, they meant the world to me. Those times in which we both wished on lie down holding each other, just lie down next to each other it's how we dreamed of spending the nights. Every single thing I did and said had you written all over it. I just thought you should know.
So now after all this time we have wasted away from each other, tell me the truth. That you are happy now. Tell me you don’t miss me as much as I do. Tell me that you never loved me. That you have found happiness away from me. If we had trouble with being together before now it’s even harder because my love seems to be too much for you and yours I simply don’t know. And I don’t think I could ever know. I don’t read minds, yet. I wish though, so I could understand you. I don’t know how things can get better with time if you are not here. But I’ll try, I promise you. I’ll try.
Why am I confessing all this then? Well, it’s because it helps relieve this pain. It’s like a pill to help calm this painful longing for you. At least I won’t leave anything unsaid.
Nothing could ever be enough... to finish telling you everything...
Post a Comment