Monday, 09 November 2009

• Can you imagine?

  What is our thirst for believing again and for regaining that lost faith able to make us write? Have you ever dared to love someone from the very core of your being? I have,and I don't regret it.It took me a while to give in,to stop fighting against it and to finally let it be.Maybe I realized too late.Who knows?But I tried,I dared and I gave my all.Was it worth it? Yes,it was.He made it worth it the moment I looked into his eyes.Later he pretended very well.Great actor! At least I know that I never pretended.I know that this is real and it always was.I just couldn't see it because fear blinded me.Now I am able to see what we could have been.What we missed.What we ignored.
  
  But if I could believe that we are meant to be.If I could believe in hope again,this is what I would say:
  
  Can you imagine?
  
  What a perfect death! I told myself,
  With my shield giving up on the floor,
  With my own sword thrusting into my chest
  And your hands holding its grip,
  I don’t fight back, I opened my arms
  To welcome you in, to make peace, but now that my blood pours out;
  On my breasts which only wished for your hands,
  On my womb which trembles with pain
  As it hopelessly dreams of your mouth,
  On my legs which only begged to rub against yours,
  I feel the thickness of my blood
  Pouring out onto my back, my waist,
  And my hips which were always yours.
  My febrile body…which so many times raved your name every night…
  Now hangs from the edge of the sword.
  Tell me that at least your victory makes you happy,that it’s a smile what I see on your lips
  While you enjoy splitting my body and soul in two.
  
  Tell me that the sacrifice was worth it,
  A death all unexpected, all treacherous, all painful,
  Now that I agonize without fear, without embarrassment, without pretending
  Tell me that you are happy, tell me the truth that you never loved me and you never will.
  
  Just as a favor, as friends tell me the truth that you are happy
  So I could have a reason to smile, to keep on going without you,
  To finally let go of you, to find a reason to not curl up into a corner and let myself die.
  
  Like if I could…
  I am trying to recover what was stolen from me until my soul was left naked,
  All that which without doubt I placed onto a silver platter
  With no regrets, with no remorse, with no hate,
  And with abundant faith and humbleness.
  
  Like if I could…
  I am trying to fix all those things that I ruined on the way for giving you my entire being,
  Those stupid things of life that I changed for good or for bad
  I trust time will tell.
  
  Can you imagine…
  All the times we have walked together over the same hallways, over the same steps,
  All the times we have touched the same objects, we have invaded the same space.
  
  Can you imagine…
  All the times you have touched my hair without noticing it,
  Maybe in another life, maybe in another time, maybe with another face and another body, maybe with a different story,
  But it has always been me.
  
  Can you imagine…
  If I could believe in the eternal return and being able to be together until you and I could reach perfection,
  If coincidence could exist and we could ask to it for more of our pleasant encounters,
  If I could trust fate which announces to me that I will inevitably fall again in your arms.
  
  Can you imagine…
  All the times we have shopped at the same place,
  All the times our cars have crossed
  And we have looked at each other without really looking.
  
  Can you imagine…
  All the times we have met before,
  All the times we have hated each other with the same intensity that we love each other,
  All the times we have ran away the one from the other;
  For being such imbeciles, for being such losers, for being such selfish persons.
  
  Can you imagine...
  All the times we have devoured each other until being able to define kiss by kiss our anatomies,
  All the times we have made love
  Under the moonlight, under our inhibitions,
  Everywhere, every time, again and again until we grew tired and said
  With our eyes and our whole beings
  “Thank you, my love, for making me so complete”,
  All the times I whispered to your ear
  For you to take me in your arms, for you to possess my body
  Now that my heart and my soul are only yours,
  All the times I have undressed myself to swim into your soul,
  A movement over here, a touch over there and with these lips I asked you:
  “Baby please, get off on me…so sweet, indulge me”
  How many more times do we need to live this hell so we could realize,
  To not let anything get between us.
  
  Can you imagine...
  all the kisses we left hanging from our abscence,
  all the caresses we left pending for the next day,
  all the dreams we didn't want to dream together and we put away,
  all the memories we decided to replace with someone else,
  all the laughs we let pass by us for being afraid of happiness,
  all the magic we had and we let it fade away before our eyes,
  and we only watched as our hope vanished,waiting for the other one to gather courage and change things.
  
  All that we have lost
  For being so stupid, so full of prejudices, for being so full with vanity, so weak,
  And let us forget about each other, let each other go
  Without really wanting it, knowing how ironic that is, without understanding that freedom
  Is worth nothing if we are not together,
  That happiness can never reach eternity if we don’t share it together.
  
  Can you imagine…
  How many more times we need to live this pain again
  So we can understand each other, so we can learn from each other,
  To not let spite take over us, to forgive, to ignore our hurt prides,
  To love each other with purity and freedom, to let love lead us wherever it wants to,
  Without a plan, without roads written already.
  
  If we could dare to imagine all this
  We would finally comprehend that we started to actually exist from the moment
  Our eyes looked into each other, our smiles dared to conquer each other,
  And the life before finding us was just a lesson,
  Every mistake had been erased, every memory had been filed, every kiss and caress given to our pasts
  Belong to you and me now.
  
  If we could dare to imagine all this
  We would stop hurting all those after you and I, when pretending we are able to forget,
  When pretending that we never existed, when believing we are better off away from each other,
  Because we’ll always look for each other into somebody else,
  Because we’ll always long for each other into somebody else,
  Because we won’t do anything else but to wander around without rest, without any comfort at all,
  And try to survive one without the other.
  
  Because a million lives make no sense
  If I can’t see you, if I can’t feel you,
  If I don’t dare to love you although you don’t love me back,
  If I would have never met you, if when life crossed our paths
  We wouldn’t have dared to stop, turn around and gaze at each other,
  If I wouldn't wait for you after this terrible storm.
  
  All I know is
  That the pain caused by this wound wouldn’t be so pleasant,
  That loving you wouldn’t be so extraordinary and incredible,
  That my tears wouldn’t taste like honey,
  Without you,
  Without you being the one responsible for all this,
  Without you…
  
  I’ll always love you, my precious. I wished my love could have set you free but your jail is where you will never allow me in. I don’t know what has made you close your heart and I couldn’t open it, you didn’t even let me get to it. I don’t know who or what killed your creed for you to have killed mine as you did. All I ever wanted was to be with you, by your side and only for you. That’s everything I always wished for and I always will. I failed you. I failed to my heart for letting you go. I failed to myself for telling you I couldn't believe in you anymore. The truth is, my love, if you were to tell me that tomorrow the world was going to end I would still believe you with no doubt. I have never stopped believing in you; in all the things you are capable of doing, in the wonderful and amazing person you are but somehow you deny it, in all the greatness that you have within you and makes me go insane for you. I don't believe in your words, and you can't deny I have good reasons for it. But I do believe in who you are like certainty, like faith, like pure truth. It can't end like this. It won't end,never. Because I insanely love you. I can't cure you. I can't save you. I wish I could though. I wish I was the answer but the answers are within you. The cure is within you. The key to free yourself lies inside of you. You must know, I will be waiting for you. I will be thinking of you at every step of my life. And like I promised, I will always love you. I never wanted for you to change. If you were to give up anything, I always wanted it to be because you want to. Not for me, but for yourself. I love you just the way you are. Believe it or not, I do.
  
  PS: I am not religious but I pray because I believe in something beyond buildings and old books. It’s my way of thanking and asking for things that get out of my reach. I’ve been praying the same thing for almost six months now. I pray for his happiness and for his health. And I want to share it. “Father, I said, if this is real for him as it is for me then help us out. We are lost if that’s the case. We are so blind and ignorant. Help us out if it’s mutual. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to do it. Teach me. If it’s a lie for him then let us go our separate ways. Let us forgive and forget. Only you know what our words can’t say anymore. Only you know what we hide, who we really are and how we feel. Beneath the thousand layers of masks we both wear. Only you know the truth. Help us find it.” And I believe with all my heart and my being that every prayer is always heard. I don’t doubt it.
  
  From the bottom of my heart, Vera.
  
  

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