Have you ever had the feeling of missing the best days of your life? But you don't really know what is it that you are missing about them. Have you ever had a feeling of being lost in yourself and not being able to find your destiny? Have you ever had a feeling of solitude and emptiness that surpasses your strength and turns you into one more puppet? A blue puppet played by whoever wants to. You know there's something moving your hair and you call it wind because it's what you know that could move things like that. And then you realize there's actually something else-many other things- that could also move your hair. There are people who show it to you. People who walk into your life to prove you that you are wrong. The more you learn, the more miserable you feel. I understand ignorance but I can't accept it.
I understood it's all about growing up more spiritually than physically. We all have different priorities and that's what makes us special. But, how special would you like to be? Would you like to be a yellow special who gets everything in life without applying any force at all? Would you like to be an orange special who lives right in the middle of everything and nothing? Or, would you like to be a red special who has to get everything for himself/herself and life lies completely on his/her hands? If this is the scale, who wants to be special at all?
The best days of your life are described as being the most memorable ones; when there is nothing in this world that could mess them up, when you had the worst day ever and you are still smiling at the end of it, when you sigh for no apparent reason at all, when you look up at the clear sky and put your hands together to say thank you. I bet all of you have had at least one. I have had many of them and I don't regret any. But the days I am missing are the ones I can't have. I could number all the reasons why I can't have them. They might sound like excuses but reasons are the ones that interfere with free will. The main excuse is that the only way I could think of goes against my principles and rules. The main reason is that I am not allowed to.
I feel like I am wasting all the good things I was given. Time takes them away from me. I let people take a piece of me with them but they never appreciate it. I try to reinforce them, to put a steal shield around them but somehow I still feel broken. Broken and glued back together many times. And then broken again while the green morning breeze sweeps the small particles of me as I crack. I am afraid. I accept it. I am terrified.
I tell him as he patiently heats up my feeling of freedom-what do you know- I tell her as she freely walks away-don't look back- As if I was speaking to myself and as if I could see my dreams reflected on their reality. I admire them. I admire how special they both are.
I feel numb as everything within me screams-go!- but then I open my eyes and I am afraid of falling into the inevitable. I chose to walk with my eyes open. I don't want to look at things like if they were all white. I requested not to be blind. And this is the price I am paying for it.
Numb. Fragile. Inevitable. From the bottom of my heart, Vera.
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