This will be the last blog I will write for a long time.I need time to take care of myself.I need time to heal myself and to take care of those who share the love with me;my family.They require some of my time specially as Christmas approaches.I am feeling a little better although a lot like a big loser but I guess I'll just have to deal with it.Like I said before we can never forget,we can only resign ourselves and let impossibility kill all that we once dreamt of happening to us.Memory is not something that could be erased.Little pieces will always remain scattered around the places full with so many memories.So every sound,every déjà vu,every object,every word,even the most insignificant things will keep reminding me about what started almost seven months ago and ended that same day it started,about what never had the courage to fulfill the story,about what was left pending and drowning in uncertainty and silence,about all that which we both imagined but never dared to turn into reality.For fools,for pride,for being selfish,for fear,for prejudices,for cowards,for all those stupid ideologies which are only vague things of life and they became too much and too hard for us.

I must say though,due to it will be the last blog for months,what keeps eating me inside and I can't seem to get out.I know I've talked about him more than I would want but somehow it's never enough.I must confess today that it was all my fault.That if he never dared to do anything it's because I wasn't enough reason for him to do so.I was too afraid of him to let myself go and allow him into my life. I knew I liked him but I didn't know how enormously.I didn't want to notice how he slowly took over my whole being.I didn't want to give in and listen to what was begging me to do more so we could be together.I just didn't know what else to do so I could be with him.I went ignorant,I went powerless,I went coward.I heard he was with somebody else during the time we were trying.I didn't know what to believe anymore.If that person was being truthful then he is a liar and then he lied about everything else.Of course he denies it.But honestly he never did anything for me to believe in him. Eric,my friend,asked me not to believe her but then I told hm that everything made sense.He stopped calling me that often,he barely answered to my messages,it felt like it bothered him when I told him I missed him and I loved him,he wasn't the guy who had conquered me with his charm,his cleverness,his sense of humor,his wild personality.So I told Eric that it was because he always had somebody else when he told me it was because he was too busy.I've understood many things.You can't force anything or anyone.You can't go against time and change things.My family always knew I liked him very much but we were never sure about his real intentions with me.They know he is the reason for my recent behavior.The past seven months have been the most tormented for them.They love me so they feel hurt when I get hurt.I'm trying to recover for them.So this new year will start fresh and happy.I want to believe I can move on and that everything will somehow be okay.So what if I love him?Maybe I noticed too late.So what if I love him and I pray for him every night?So what if I wish him happiness with that girl even though jealously is killing me inside?So what if I tell he is the world to me,he is my everything?He doesn't care.So who cares if I say it out loud?I am free because I finally understood that I love him very dearly for every single possible reason out there.I love him,I love him with or without me in his mind or in his life.

This story is about Kitta, my best friend for years. She wants to cure herself. She wants to understand why she does certain things and she denies some others. I promised her I was going to write her story so that every time she comes to visit my xanga site, she would find and face herself in my writings. She found the man of her dreams, the guy who has made her feel free for the first time ever and who has make her feel strong enough to liberate herself. The only guy who has make her peel off her inhibitions and undress her adventurous spirit to allow it to go wild. He is the only stranger she allowed to take over her heart without restrictions and no matter what happens she could never regret trusting him that much. She wants to heal her past to open the door to the woman she always dreamed of being. She wants to be the best of the best for him because she knows he deserves it. She wants to be healthy and out of trouble for him. She finds it weird though, to say that he is one of the reasons for her to become better so she will always deny it.I mean he is not the perfect man.He has some issues that he has deal with and she is as well one of the reasons for him to get better.They both know it but they can never make such a confession to each other. I hope telling her story helps her. I hope that if he ever has a chance to read it,he could be able to understand her. I know her like a twin sister. And I want to help her, I know in that way I can help myself as well.

She was lying down on a sofa in front of him when she asked him to cure her. He told her there was no physical medicine to heal her soul but he could do something better for her. He could make her understand her reasons. He could make her realize all the things she keeps denying to herself. He can help her find her own cure. He asked her to relax, to close her eyes and think of herself as a bird who has been inside of a cage for her whole life but today for the first time she is about to open that cage. Please, he said, trust me. Tell me how everything started. Tell me who she is.

She was born into a world where her playground was a pile of dirt on an empty lot full with trash, some dead animals, and rocks. She played there most of the time with her few friends. She wasn’t expected to be a female when she was born. She came into this world when things were getting worse than before in her house, at the very bad climax. Her brothers had lived it from the beginning so she was lucky to have seen the very end of it only.

Her house had no windows at all, only pieces of plastic covering the holes that were meant to be windows one day. It was a two story house that was never finished by her father. He had the best intentions though but he thought it wasn’t that important. Her whole family was sleeping in one same room for years because in that way if the weather was too harsh they could keep each other warm. Her father used to be a nice man. He married her mother because he thought it was time to get married not because he loved her. He never loved anything or anyone in his entire life. He was handsome and courteous. Her grandparents saw him as the perfect man for their daughter. He had so many dreams, he wanted to give the best of himself to her mother but somehow those dreams stayed as dreams only. He had a nice job but he wanted to be his own boss. So he quit in hopes of finding that job he always dreamed of. Kitta and her brothers had the necessary stuff. Their clothes were always from second and third hand given to them by their aunt and also those few presents she got from her cousins and uncles. They barely had food to eat but her father didn’t care about that as long as he had his normal meal. She had toys that were found broken on the empty lot where she played. She used empty cans as balls for playing soccer with her friends. Her hair was always dirty, her face all muddy, her feet wore dirty and broken shoes. But she was too little to care for that.

The few memories she has about her father at that age are most horrific. She dreams about them at times when fever makes her hallucinate and so she remembers what stayed in her subconscious. She pictures screams of her mother. She pictures herself crying at the stairs while her mother begged her father to stop beating her up. She remembers her mother telling her to hide so she wouldn’t listen to her father. She pictures her mother with bruises all over her body. She pictures herself running away from that man who was always yelling at her mother, beating her mother up and breaking things to make himself look threatening. That man who smelled like puke, cigarettes and alcohol when he picked her up to give her an empty kiss. She remembers that man who made her literally pee in her pants when she was four and her mother left him. He went looking for them and kicked the door of her grandparents’ bedroom to claim his wife and kids. Those who he had exchanged for alcohol and drugs. He cared more about his personal pleasure than his own kids.

Her mother was always a very proud woman. A beautiful and proud woman. She couldn’t ask for help. She couldn’t take herself out of her religious beliefs and her family traditions which always told her she had to remain with her husband even if he was a bastard. Even if he was never a good husband or a good father. She had to stay with him because their matrimony was holy and sacred. Never to be broken or otherwise cursed with going to hell. Her mother lived in better conditions than her. Her mother always had a father who loved her very dearly. Her mother’s mom wasn’t that nice though. She was a very strict woman whose way of keeping her daughters in shape was to beat them up for whatever reason. She kept them busy all the time so they wouldn’t get pregnant or run away with some random boy. Kitta’s mother grew ignorant until she got married. There was no way she could ask or mention anything about boys, babies, religion, or women’s stuff. Otherwise grandma slapped her lips and made them bleed. So she got married for the same reason not because she would love him.

The day her mother finally dared to leave him, it was because she had reached her limits. She couldn’t let her daughter live the same life she was living. She couldn’t let her sons repeat the same story with their wives. She was very sick almost dying. She had gone very underweight. She had a disease supposed to be mild but she let it grew to almost killing her. She barely had money to feed her kids so she thought it was a waste to go to the hospital. That day when she was very close to death, she knew she couldn’t stand that anymore so she made her decision, she packed her things at night so her husband wouldn’t notice. She called two of her brothers, a very well earned architect and a construction contractor, to pick her up before her husband would wake up and left him to never come back. He hated her from that moment on. To his eyes, he was all the good he could be. To his eyes, he was trying his hardest to feed his kids and his wife. To his eyes, the whole world was against him.

Kitta’s life changed drastically. She moved into her grandparents’ house with her mother only because her father had convinced her brothers to move back with him. She had a different man as a father; her grandpa. She had many more fathers as well who bought her clothes, toys, and who spoiled her for being cute; her aunts’ friends, cousins and uncles. Her new father was nothing like the other. He used to sit her on his lap and comb her hair to make her fall asleep just like he did to her mother when she was little. He was protective, caring and loving. The most admirable man she could ever known; strong, brave, dominant bearing, sensitive, wise, kind and happy. He showed her a different life. He opened the doors of his heart and called her little doll. He used to walk her to school every day. He used to sing cradle songs for her. He used to help her with her homework. He was her hero. Her only father. Her grandfather.

So she grew in a different environment. Her mother quit her job as a television dish saleswoman just to spend more time with her daughter. She moved into a supermarket close to her new home and worked with her older sister at a beauty store. In that way she could watch over her little daughter. Kitta spent the rest of her childhood and adolescence with her mother at that supermarket. She played with all the kids around her neighborhood. She had her first and second boyfriends when she moved to Elementary school. She remembers playing dolls with them and playing soccer. Her school was next to the supermarket so she played, did homework, ate, and almost slept in that place where her mother worked. She was a great student. Her teachers really liked her although she was kind of a rebel at times. She would speak her mind with no inhibitions and make a revolution when she didn't agree with certain rules at the school. Always going against the flow. No one could ever believe that she could be both pretty and smart. She studied most of the time and played soccer to the point where she was called a tomboy. At school she preferred pants,tennis shoes and sweatshirts rather than her girly uniform. After school she would go for a couple of hours to play soccer with the boys at the park close to her school. She visited museums, historical places, orchestra shows, and cultural events and met people with better social and economic status. Kitta’s mother had met people who showed her how to behave like a proper lady, how to be elegant and sexy at the same time, the fine taste of wine, how to be sophisticated besides of how much money you have, and basic etiquette rules and so she passed it on to Kitta. She had a new life. A better life.The life her father could have never given to her.

When she moved to Middle school she had her third boyfriend. He was a sweet blond and blue eyed kid who loved to kiss her feet, literally. She grew into a more advanced soccer practice. She began to visit her father. He always treated her like a stranger. He was a stranger to her as well. He used to get drunk almost every night and cry to her little daughter telling her to come back home with him. But Kitta always refused and cried at night because she missed her mother. She couldn’t wait to go back at her grandparents’ home. She had to see her father to have a different perspective of him, her mother used to tell her. But he was still the same just older and bitterer. Her father and her brothers began to notice she had a passion for soccer so they trained her from that moment on like the guys played it. She had to be tough, her brothers reminded her every time she cried when the ball ended up on her face. Every visit she made to her father, it felt like he wanted to buy her love with candies, nice birthday parties, and clothes. But he was abscent when she was sick,when she needed protection,when she needed a father's love. She always knew it but she was too sweet to reject him. It was her father after all and she had to deal with that fact.

Then she moved to High School where her wild life started. She was somehow still a really good student. It was her nature. She knew when it was time to study and when it was time to party. She had many friends. She had her own soccer team where she was the head of it and won several tournaments at her school. She was put into an honors list as the one with the best grades in the whole school. She was also given the honor to carry her flag in a ceremony every Monday at the school’s patio. Her enemies began to gossip that she had paid some money for her to be on that honors list. And that she was chosen to carry the flag because she was pretty. The gossip became huge and got to the Principal's office as parents started to complain about it.She was tested to prove everybody wrong. When the results came out all the gossiping went away.The principal made a speech in front of the whole school saying that nature gives us the outside and it's our responsibility to fill in the inside with great things.He said that Kitta was the best proof of that.It wasn’t luck but the fruits of her efforts.

Things began to get tougher as she was growing up into a pretty lady. She was offered marijuana,heroin and cocaine outside of her school many times.She found some girls doing heavy drugs like meth in the bathrooms and in empty utility rooms. Drunk and drugged guys bothered her but she learned to defend herself. Tons of gangs with tattoos and guns gathered outside her High School; some went to pick up a fight and kill somebody, others went to pick their girls up. Those girls who dressed up like whores with big earrings, belt skirts and cheap high heels. She did many bad things though like running away from home with her friends, like going to parties where sex, drugs, alcohol and cigarettes where the feast of the moment. She went to many dangerous places like bars and night clubs where guys rapped girls in front of everybody and no one would do anything. Somehow, luckily, she always got out of there alive, in one piece and with a new lesson learned. She spent three years like that. It wasn’t every day though. And although she was always tempted to try drugs, to get drunk at parties or to be alone with a stranger she never did. She preferred to be in her five senses to protect herself. She took extra precautions like choosing a different outfit and hanging out with her friends so she would never be left alone. She had tons of connections. Gang members who liked her for being different and who protected her with their names. She knew how to use them for her own protection. She lived in that harsh life but she always kept herself in control. Her motivations were always her mother and the only thing she loved the most; soccer. She wanted to go back home to her mother. She wanted to be by her side. She couldn't live without her mother and she knew that if she tried those things her peers loved to death she was never going to be the same. She knew she couldn’t give her best if she fell in that. She knew her mother wouldn’t be proud of her if she dropped out of school due to drugs. She saw her future reflected on her friends’ lives. They somehow ended up pregnant, dead from an OD or killed by their drug addicted and alcoholic boyfriends. She didn’t want that life. It reminded her of her father. The smell of alcohol, the consequences of drugs, and the crazy beatings he gave to her mother. She denied that life. So while her mother thought she was sleeping at home,she was actually partying somewhere in the big city.

Her mother never knew anything about this and still she doesn’t. It’s not something she is proud of. It’s not something she should tell the world about, she explains. Things were getting better when she fell in love with some dude named Camillo. She focused more on hunting him than in parties. She took her best friend out of that life as well. Camillo liked Kitta very much but he was into look like whore girls who didn’t know how to keep their legs closed for a minute. Every time she would try to hunt him, his ex girlfriend would always do something crazy like pulling her skirt a little upper to bring him back. She gave up on him. Later she found out that her best friend, Armando, had always been in love with her. He was the perfect guy nothing like her. He was always studying and hanging out with his parents. He was very attractive and had a certain elegance on him. He was from a higher economic status than her. He never told her anything about his feelings until the last minute before she left forever.She got into a fight due to her loyalty for her friends. She was always loyal. One of her friends got into a fight for no reason and so Kitta jumped into the fight to help her friend. It wasn’t what she expected and both her and her friend lost the fight. Months later her friend got mad at her and befriended their enemies. She understood what betrayal feels like. She understood that friendship is something that doesn’t exist.

Out of spite she began to date Armando’s best friend who had always liked her as well. Her fourth boyfriend. She wanted to make Camillo jealous by being with Armando’s friend and she achieved it. Boyfriends were always something she could never hide from her mother. So when her mother found out that she had a boyfriend and that she was turning into a beautiful woman, feared invaded her. Her mother made a drastic decision again and changed her life completely. She moved her to a different school of a higher economic status. That school was very far from home. It was a burden to her. She did not only lose her school and her environment but also her friends. Those who called themselves her friends forever were gone. They were too far from her now and they simply didn’t care. They all forgot about her and after two months her boyfriend dumped her. She lost everything but she thanks her mother for taking her away from the inevitable future that awaited her at that place. Things are contagious. If you hang out with good people you will always be good but if you hang out with bad people you know how you will end up, right? She knew sooner or later she was going to end up like that as well.

A few months after that, her family thought about their future. They knew that the economy of their country was going from bad to worse. They had no future. School was a place to have fun and meet people because there were barely teachers. Universities had no funds from the government so there was no future for any of them. Suddenly they heard that one of Kitta’s aunts had moved to a different country. They heard that she was having a great life and that jobs were everywhere and you could do anything after a couple of years. They heard that a better future awaited them at that new country. Of course that she was always exaggerating about it. Things weren’t pretty at all just like she pictured them but somehow they believed her. So they didn’t hesitate. And took the next trip to that place. Kitta wasn’t being herself at that moment. She didn’t notice where she was going. She didn’t care if she never came back. She said goodbye like if she was going to come back the next day.

The trip was not pleasant at all.It was a bad crash between nature and humans;the weather conditions that couldn't be avoided,the fear that invaded them,the uncertainty of the situations.She saw an amazing world though in her delirous moments caused by fatigue and physical pain.The sky was perfectly full with stars and had a color she had never seen before.Her feet and hands were covered in blood most of the time and the moon was the only light she had at night as her guide.When she arrived she realized it was a totally different world. It was another language. It was another culture and an unknown environment. Her life changed again. It was hard for her to adapt to the new country. But somehow the language wasn’t that hard to learn. She had studied it back at her country. She had a talent for it. She moved from beginners to advance in one year and the next year she was finished with that language program. She barely had friends. Her world had split in many pieces again but like always she never belonged to any of those pieces. She was too much for her own people and too different for the natives of that country. She had a little bit of everything. She had such diversity inside of her that she could never fit into any stereotype. It was harsh for her. She was always lonely with her books and her friends who spoke different languages. Almost at the very end of the year, she had her fifth boyfriend who came from the same place she came from. She had met him at the beginning of the year but they were only friends. They dated for a few months but decided that friendship was way better. There were people who helped her go through that hard process of adaptation. Teachers who made her feel special instead of weird. Counselors who kept her dreams alive while she found out the truth. The truth that made her become better, to give her full potential wherever she goes and whatever she does, to make herself stand out for who she is and not for her language, her nationality or any other prejudice placed upon her. She knew that the only way she could reach her dreams was to make people see beyond what was obvious. She wanted for people to notice her potential, her personality, her essence, her spirit before being blinded by something she never chose to be. It wasn’t fair, she thought, that people judge me for the things I didn’t have power over rather than for the things I’ve actually done.

In her first school, things were pretty similar to how they were back in her country. Tons of drugs and gangs surrounded her High School at all times. But she wanted to change. She didn’t want to go back to that. She knew it was wrong and it was going to kill the only chance she could ever have. So her family moved again to a different place where she started once again. She met new people from tons of different places. She began to be a little bit part of that diversity which surrounded her. She had lunch with a group formed by kids from different countries and different languages. People who, just like her, didn’t belong to a certain stereotype. It felt nice to be with people like her. Her life went by. She focused only on her school. She knew she had to earn that chance denied to her. She believed there could be a way for her to do so. She was always the best, trying her hardest, studying a little more than others, doing extra credit for all her classes, asking for help to her teachers and believing in herself was the only way to reach that goal.

At the end of High School on her senior year, she met her sixth boyfriend. He was some months younger than her. They liked each other from the very first moment they met. He was a very sweet and loving guy. He liked her so much although his parents hated her for all those crappy stereotypes surrounding her. His parents were always asking questions that she couldn’t answer that easily. They investigated her and her family. And she was forced to tell him the truth before he would find out from somebody else a wrong version of it. She explained to him who she was and how difficult her circumstances were. He didn’t care. He really liked her but it was inevitable that prejudices would win. He couldn’t fight that stereotype. He couldn’t fight the fact that his parents feared she could do something bad to him for her own benefit. But they didn’t know her. They didn’t want to see beyond that, no matter how hard she tried, they were always judging her. They were always pointing fingers at her. He asked her to change but she explained that it didn’t depend on her. She explained that it was impossible for her to change that aspect of her life. He understood and so she thought it was better to save him some tears and let him go. He proposed her to run away but she declined. She could never do such thing to anybody. She explained to him that she could never take him away from those who loved him so much and that she was not the kind of person who would use anybody to solve her problems. This is something I wish I wasn’t at all but it’s the only way I could make my dreams come true. I know it’s wrong. This is something I can’t change right now, she confessed to him. They broke up and she never talked to him again. She knew he was too young to understand. And his parents too blinded by fear to see who she really was.

At her graduation, she knew that was going to be the end of it. She knew that things were going to get tougher. She didn’t have the money to continue with her College and she didn’t have the basic requirements for it. She tried to find some scholarships which would help her but they asked for exactly what she didn’t have. She tried and tried to look for help but there wasn’t any. She began to understand then that it was going to depend completely on her. She had good grades, she had great recommendation letters from her teachers, she had tons of school awards, she had wonderful attendance and behavior and her diploma was earned with distinction but all that could never be enough. Her circumstances were and will always keep shadowing who she really is. She knows that and still she believes in hope. She hasn’t seen or heard of her father in years. She doesn’t want to see him again. Instead she wishes she could see her grandfather again. She asks God to keep him alive so she could see him again.

Two years went by. She did nothing else but to work hard and save as much money as possible. She holds onto her dreams very tight like if they were the only things that keep her alive and strong. She met her number seven. Coincidence is very creepy sometimes,she said,when she was telling me this story. They are each other’s image. They are so alike and so opposite at the same time. But they balance each other out. He gained her trust very quickly so she told him the truth hoping he would understand. The first stranger she would dare to tell the truth to. Hoping he would trust her the same way. He came to change her world again. He came to give her hope again. He came to turn the light that was never on. She has always being honest with him so he could know her for who she is. She told him about her father so he would understand why she is so afraid of someone like that. She confessed to him that she fears he would turn into someone like her father due to some issues he has. She told him that she has to deal with her father’s ghost first before keep on going. She wants to be okay as much as possible for him. And she told him that besides whatever things they both did wrong and had shadowed their possibilities; she can’t help loving him very much.When she met him she came up to me and told me that she felt strange for the first time,wonderfully strange,she told me.But she also said that if he was ever going to know about her life,she had to make sure he was ready for it.What kind of parent would want a girl like me for their son?,she told me crying.I bet every parent will hate me and my family.I don't want for his parents to know that until I change it.In that way they could be able to see me for who I am.I'm not that bad,she said,am I? She told me last time we talked.She didn't want him to ever find out because she thought he might looked at her with different eyes.I told her that was the perfect proof of his love.He won't change at all and he will understand her if he really loves her.It's a big risk but besides that I asked her if he was worth telling the truth and she answered with certainty:of course he is,I trust him.

So in hope that he could finally understand why she does some things and denies others, this blog is for both of them. For her to find herself and for him to discover who she is beneath all those masks she wears. To both of you, my friends.Cheers for the amazing love you share but you somehow keep denying.Haha! :D

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.

Coincidence? No, he said. Nothing is coincidence. Everything is a test. Don't fail it. Believe again, he requested. Do it for you and for him as well. Don't turn the lights off. Don't let the darkness win the battle. You've come this far. You've both made it so far through everything. Don't lose faith. Don't say goodbye. Something or someone believed that you two could make it besides any hardship. Don't stop believing in that something or someone. Don't stop believing in each other.

John, my 62 year old friend, is leaving again. It's funny he just came back from Italy and now he is leaving to Argentina. He told me about his great adventures and about the world waiting for me out there. He told me that one of these days he will just take me with him. I laughed. That's what he said: "Forget about everything Vera and start to live your life. You only have one. It's yours. Enjoy it." So I told him that I was doing my hardest to enjoy this life that I have. He understood what I meant. And of course he is wise enough to realize my circumstances without even telling him about them. He didn't say anything though. He just told me that I wasn't hurting or affecting anyone at all so I didn't have to feel bad about it. He said that it was the best thing I could have done in order for me to find that chance I've been denied everywhere I go. He also said that we are good people, we are the exception he said and that is totally welcomed. He said that my desire to break the mold and erase every prejudice placed upon me because of my people's stereotype, will soon bring the results I've been waiting for.He offered me help but I rejected it. I told him I didn't want to depend on anyone or to owe anything to anyone. I know I can make it, I said. Thank you John but even if I am never given the chance that I shouldn't even ask for, I will make it through. He insisted and I told him that was the reason why I don't tell anybody about it. Only to those who gain my trust are worth telling the secret to, those intelligent enough to see beyond that. He said:"Oh Vera, your pride is not that necessary sometimes."

While Brittany spent the whole time, my break time, taking photos of bugs with my cell phone. By the way, I should charge her for borrowing my phone when she forgets hers at home. But well, it wasn't that bad, later she came by my home to return it. I love her anyways! John and I talked about my thoughts recently and he got really disappointed in me. We talked about CB. He told me to hold on. He told me to not give up just yet. He asked me to believe again. To regain that faith in destiny. I told him that there was no reason for me to stay loving someone who doesn't love me and who doesn't even want to be loved by me. He has been very clear, I told John, from the very beginning. He probably liked me at times but he gave up on me and it's time for me to give up as well. I told John that our thing never became real and that it was never going to be that way. He begged me not to. He said to wait for him to say something. But I told him that if he hasn't said anything it's because he has nothing to say. I told him I felt stupid, childish and fool for staying hoping for something that will never come. He told me that I've always been so faithful and optimistic about everything that he can't even recognize how weak I've become.

He said to me that I've always been different. Don't do what everybody else does, Vera, he said. Although it seems a waste of time to remain hanging in there, you have a very strong reason, don't give up on it. He asked me. Believe in all the signs. Believe in all the things he once said. I know somehow he meant them. Maybe he doesn't know how to say them or he can't even understand himself. Just like you can't even understand why he means so much to you.
I ask him to understand me. I ask him to put himself in my shoes for once. The waiting seems painfully eternal without him, I said. It's painful to hang on to nothing. That's how he left me, with nothing at all.
He requested for me to think about it. He said to wait a little longer. He said that I had to be strong for all the strength CB didn't have. I yelled at him: John, he doesn't want me! and I have to understand that. What could I be to him but another girl on his list? I asked John. And he said that maybe I was his second chance. Think about it, he said, he found someone totally opposite to his current lifestyle with a different background and different culture. You went through all that he is going through when you were younger but you ignored it because you knew you didn't want that life. I think, he said, that this chance is for him not for you. It's his opportunity to change, to take a different road. Who knows what path he was taking before and somehow someone or something wants to give him a choice. I think you are the one who came to save him. He doesn't need to save you,Vera. You are the most sane person I've ever met. You have no inhibitions, you are very open minded, you are loving and caring, you are capable of anything you want and you know it for sure, you are passionate, you are happy and enjoy your life to the fullest, you are beautiful and let yourself go wild whenever it's time. You take life seriously,Vera,because you know we only have one to live.That's something the majority of the young adults these days are forgetting about. You are healthy and extremely honest. Stay, he said to me, stay for him. Do it for him, Vera. Please.You are learning to control your pride and to think of somebody else before you. You are learning a lesson,Vera. Stay so he can learn his. Love him like you do, don't stop. Although he seems to be the last person on earth to deserve you, I know something wonderful will come out of both of you. I ask you, as a friend of yours who has traveled to every corner of this world, to stay by his side. Be faithful, believe in him again. Do it for this big heart of yours. Listen to your heart.
John is afraid that I will accept Eric as my boyfriend out of spite. I told him that I couldn't do that to anybody. And I made a promise to him that I was never going to do it. Maybe Eric is the one for me, I said, maybe he can give me all I need. And then he ask me something I couldn't answer: maybe he is but can you give him all he asks for? He wants to be loved by you and you can't love him because you love somebody else already.

I told him something so true. I said that CB had tons of dreams after his school. And that he might want to stay a little longer with me if we ever get to be together. So I was only going to get in his way. I want him to go when he has to go and wherever he wants to go without anyone stopping him at all, I told John. I don't want to interfere with his future or his plans or his dreams. I am not part of any of them, so I will only get in his way. I have to let him go. I have to move on. I have to let him be free. And although I cry like crazy and that it hurts so much, I have to let him go. Our worlds collide badly, John, haven't you noticed that? His wild world crashing against my uncertain present. We have nothing in common. Nothing that could unite us. No common friends. No common environment. No common lifestyle. That's why we couldn't make it through. I confessed.

He wiped my tears off with his round fingers. He caressed my cheeks and my hair. He gave me a daddy hug. I cried against his chest. I let every tear out on his shirt. I was so embarrassed afterwards though. He hugged me for a long time without saying a word. Then he held my hands between his and told me something I will always remember:" when we talk about relationships which always depend on two people, the worst thing you can do is think for the other. Say what you need to say. Feel what you want to feel. Love to the degree you want to, don't let anything tell you that it's wrong or too much. Don't worry about what he or the whole world could think. Think of yourself for once. But don't listen to this right now, he said touching my forehead, you will need it later for when you get to be together. Listen to this, he placed his hand on the middle of my chest, otherwise nothing will ever make sense. Keep going. Enjoy feeling all that wonderful love for him. Too bad if he doesn't want it. He doesn't know what he is missing. And he will soon realize that he might lose you for real. You are hesitating, Vera. He really disappointed you, didn't he? And he keeps doing so, I really don't understand what he is doing either. Sometimes, he said, men are so full of it and we don't notice what's in front of us until we actually lose it and until we realize what we had there for us was as good as life gets. Remain, he said, until you know for sure that it's time for you to go, until it becomes impossible to stay. I just hope that when you actually leave him completely, he wouldn't all of a sudden realize and accept what I believe, and I'm sorry if I believe it, he does feel for you.And I know both of you will feel worse if you just give up."

I listened to John. He heard my arguments. He understood me. I told him goodbye until next year around December. He said he was going to write me as always. He added afterwards and before leaving:"Vera, the world is an ignorant piece of shit. It's selfish, stupid, arrogant and flimsy. Don't listen to it. Don't pay attention to it. Do what your heart tells you to do. I know for sure that God speaks to us through our hearts. But we ignore Him by listening always to our brains. You are different. You are solid, strong, courageous, brave and worth of the wonders of the universe. And I believe Vera, he must be something special as well for him to have someone so amazing like you loving him unconditionally. I don't know what he did to win you,and for destiny to put you in his way but I bet it was something wonderful. A lot of coincidence, don't you think, that out of millions of people in this world you two had to cross paths. No Vera, this was planned by somebody else or something else.This is bigger than we all imagine."

Thanks John, I said. You came when I needed you the most. I'm really going to miss you. So goodbye for now and hope to see you next year.

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.

What is our thirst for believing again and for regaining that lost faith able to make us write? Have you ever dared to love someone from the very core of your being? I have,and I don't regret it.It took me a while to give in,to stop fighting against it and to finally let it be.Maybe I realized too late.Who knows?But I tried,I dared and I gave my all.Was it worth it? Yes,it was.He made it worth it the moment I looked into his eyes.Later he pretended very well.Great actor! At least I know that I never pretended.I know that this is real and it always was.I just couldn't see it because fear blinded me.Now I am able to see what we could have been.What we missed.What we ignored.

But if I could believe that we are meant to be.If I could believe in hope again,this is what I would say:

Can you imagine?

What a perfect death! I told myself,
With my shield giving up on the floor,
With my own sword thrusting into my chest
And your hands holding its grip,
I don’t fight back, I opened my arms
To welcome you in, to make peace, but now that my blood pours out;
On my breasts which only wished for your hands,
On my womb which trembles with pain
As it hopelessly dreams of your mouth,
On my legs which only begged to rub against yours,
I feel the thickness of my blood
Pouring out onto my back, my waist,
And my hips which were always yours.
My febrile body…which so many times raved your name every night…
Now hangs from the edge of the sword.
Tell me that at least your victory makes you happy,that it’s a smile what I see on your lips
While you enjoy splitting my body and soul in two.

Tell me that the sacrifice was worth it,
A death all unexpected, all treacherous, all painful,
Now that I agonize without fear, without embarrassment, without pretending
Tell me that you are happy, tell me the truth that you never loved me and you never will.

Just as a favor, as friends tell me the truth that you are happy
So I could have a reason to smile, to keep on going without you,
To finally let go of you, to find a reason to not curl up into a corner and let myself die.

Like if I could…
I am trying to recover what was stolen from me until my soul was left naked,
All that which without doubt I placed onto a silver platter
With no regrets, with no remorse, with no hate,
And with abundant faith and humbleness.

Like if I could…
I am trying to fix all those things that I ruined on the way for giving you my entire being,
Those stupid things of life that I changed for good or for bad
I trust time will tell.

Can you imagine…
All the times we have walked together over the same hallways, over the same steps,
All the times we have touched the same objects, we have invaded the same space.

Can you imagine…
All the times you have touched my hair without noticing it,
Maybe in another life, maybe in another time, maybe with another face and another body, maybe with a different story,
But it has always been me.

Can you imagine…
If I could believe in the eternal return and being able to be together until you and I could reach perfection,
If coincidence could exist and we could ask to it for more of our pleasant encounters,
If I could trust fate which announces to me that I will inevitably fall again in your arms.

Can you imagine…
All the times we have shopped at the same place,
All the times our cars have crossed
And we have looked at each other without really looking.

Can you imagine…
All the times we have met before,
All the times we have hated each other with the same intensity that we love each other,
All the times we have ran away the one from the other;
For being such imbeciles, for being such losers, for being such selfish persons.

Can you imagine...
All the times we have devoured each other until being able to define kiss by kiss our anatomies,
All the times we have made love
Under the moonlight, under our inhibitions,
Everywhere, every time, again and again until we grew tired and said
With our eyes and our whole beings
“Thank you, my love, for making me so complete”,
All the times I whispered to your ear
For you to take me in your arms, for you to possess my body
Now that my heart and my soul are only yours,
All the times I have undressed myself to swim into your soul,
A movement over here, a touch over there and with these lips I asked you:
“Baby please, get off on me…so sweet, indulge me”
How many more times do we need to live this hell so we could realize,
To not let anything get between us.

Can you imagine...
all the kisses we left hanging from our abscence,
all the caresses we left pending for the next day,
all the dreams we didn't want to dream together and we put away,
all the memories we decided to replace with someone else,
all the laughs we let pass by us for being afraid of happiness,
all the magic we had and we let it fade away before our eyes,
and we only watched as our hope vanished,waiting for the other one to gather courage and change things.

All that we have lost
For being so stupid, so full of prejudices, for being so full with vanity, so weak,
And let us forget about each other, let each other go
Without really wanting it, knowing how ironic that is, without understanding that freedom
Is worth nothing if we are not together,
That happiness can never reach eternity if we don’t share it together.

Can you imagine…
How many more times we need to live this pain again
So we can understand each other, so we can learn from each other,
To not let spite take over us, to forgive, to ignore our hurt prides,
To love each other with purity and freedom, to let love lead us wherever it wants to,
Without a plan, without roads written already.

If we could dare to imagine all this
We would finally comprehend that we started to actually exist from the moment
Our eyes looked into each other, our smiles dared to conquer each other,
And the life before finding us was just a lesson,
Every mistake had been erased, every memory had been filed, every kiss and caress given to our pasts
Belong to you and me now.

If we could dare to imagine all this
We would stop hurting all those after you and I, when pretending we are able to forget,
When pretending that we never existed, when believing we are better off away from each other,
Because we’ll always look for each other into somebody else,
Because we’ll always long for each other into somebody else,
Because we won’t do anything else but to wander around without rest, without any comfort at all,
And try to survive one without the other.

Because a million lives make no sense
If I can’t see you, if I can’t feel you,
If I don’t dare to love you although you don’t love me back,
If I would have never met you, if when life crossed our paths
We wouldn’t have dared to stop, turn around and gaze at each other,
If I wouldn't wait for you after this terrible storm.

All I know is
That the pain caused by this wound wouldn’t be so pleasant,
That loving you wouldn’t be so extraordinary and incredible,
That my tears wouldn’t taste like honey,
Without you,
Without you being the one responsible for all this,
Without you…

I’ll always love you, my precious. I wished my love could have set you free but your jail is where you will never allow me in. I don’t know what has made you close your heart and I couldn’t open it, you didn’t even let me get to it. I don’t know who or what killed your creed for you to have killed mine as you did. All I ever wanted was to be with you, by your side and only for you. That’s everything I always wished for and I always will. I failed you. I failed to my heart for letting you go. I failed to myself for telling you I couldn't believe in you anymore. The truth is, my love, if you were to tell me that tomorrow the world was going to end I would still believe you with no doubt. I have never stopped believing in you; in all the things you are capable of doing, in the wonderful and amazing person you are but somehow you deny it, in all the greatness that you have within you and makes me go insane for you. I don't believe in your words, and you can't deny I have good reasons for it. But I do believe in who you are like certainty, like faith, like pure truth. It can't end like this. It won't end,never. Because I insanely love you. I can't cure you. I can't save you. I wish I could though. I wish I was the answer but the answers are within you. The cure is within you. The key to free yourself lies inside of you. You must know, I will be waiting for you. I will be thinking of you at every step of my life. And like I promised, I will always love you. I never wanted for you to change. If you were to give up anything, I always wanted it to be because you want to. Not for me, but for yourself. I love you just the way you are. Believe it or not, I do.

PS: I am not religious but I pray because I believe in something beyond buildings and old books. It’s my way of thanking and asking for things that get out of my reach. I’ve been praying the same thing for almost six months now. I pray for his happiness and for his health. And I want to share it. “Father, I said, if this is real for him as it is for me then help us out. We are lost if that’s the case. We are so blind and ignorant. Help us out if it’s mutual. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to do it. Teach me. If it’s a lie for him then let us go our separate ways. Let us forgive and forget. Only you know what our words can’t say anymore. Only you know what we hide, who we really are and how we feel. Beneath the thousand layers of masks we both wear. Only you know the truth. Help us find it.” And I believe with all my heart and my being that every prayer is always heard. I don’t doubt it.

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.

Is there any cure for love? Is there any medicine or treatment? Is there any way to stop loving someone who means the world to you? Someone recommended me that in order for me to cure this illness I had to do something no one else has ever dared to do before: love even more. But it made the whole thing worse. And now it's so enormously gigantic that I can't contain it anymore. If it's scary for me,I bet it's terrifying for him. But how can you tell who to fall in love with or who to love or any limits you should have? It's not something you choose.And although at times not having him hurts so much that I wish this certainty could just fade away and leave me the heck alone.What is the purpose of this love if he is not here to enjoy it? So I've gotten questions like: do you cry because you don't have a significant other? And I answer that I actually do have one. I can see their amazed looks as I tell them about him. So what is the problem, then? People continue with questions. And I look down as I feel my heart collapse again, then I answer that the real problem is that I am not that significant to him. Ouch... yeah, ouch!

I wrote some poetry just to calm down a little and spend my time doing something more productive than thinking about him and crying. So I hope you all like it. I think everyone relates to it. Getting your heartbroken is something very common I guess but it's weird in me. I 've gotten my heartbroken a lot of times before him and I hated them. And I cussed at them. And I was just very savage. I ended up sending them to hell with my rejectful attitude as they tried to befriend me after breaking up and I barely cried for any of them. Don't get me wrong, I never wished them any bad at all but I never wished them any good either after the break up. I just forgot about them. But really I don't understand what's going on with me this time. For the first time ever, I don't really know why I can't just forget him. And you might think all I need it's time to do so. But after so long and all the things we've been through time and circumstances seem insignificant, they can't touch my love for him, compared to this certainty I have of loving him very deeply. It's weird, I know.Tell me about it.

The poem is called Think of me. I truly hope you all like it. And I wish he could be able to read it but he has a lot in his mind and he has no empty spot for stupid things like this. Feel free to leave any comment. Thanks. :D

Think of me

When you have forgiven me
for all the wrong I've done to you,
when you have forgiven yourself
for all the things left unsaid,
spare a thought for me.

As time cuts your life through
and helps you get what you truly desire,
in between the happiness and the joy,
in the middle of hatred and despair,
and as you feel you can't hold on anymore,
please think of me.

Forget all the times
we hurt each other,
forget the times we fought
until we thought it was better to have never met at all.

Leave the tears in the past,
keep our memories in your heart,
leave all the lies and all the truth
that shattered us many times,
keep the warm chamber we once dreamt of having
only for you and I.

When your true friends
reveal themselves and only those
worth of you will remain,
if you think you are alone in the end
please erase that thought
and think of me, I could never abandon you.

When life comes back
to charge you for all your pending debts,
think of me and I will be there to pay them for you.

When your face hurts
from smiling too much,
and your soul sings happily
as joy invades your spirit,
think of me.

And when she finally arrives,
the one who could fulfill every empty space within you,
the one who could make you feel all you make me feel and more,
when she arrives to your door,
when she arrives to your heart.

And she becomes the owner of your being,
and the reason and the purpose for your existence,
please think of me for the last time,
at least to tell me goodbye.

Only then I could rest in peace,
knowing that you found
what is meant to make you happy.

Only then I could find comfort as I think of you
as the only one who has conquered me in body and soul,
and to finally accept you were never mine,
but I could never stop loving you like I do.

Think of me,
when you are silent,
when words are not enough to describe what invades you,
think of me,
when you are everything and when you are nothing,
think of me,
when no one is watching you,
think of me,
when the lights are off and your soul it's finally naked,
think of me
and I'll be there to hold you,
to give you my warmth as a blanket,
to remind you how important you are.

Think of me
at least once please,
promise me you will try your hardest,
because there will not be a single day
in which I wouldn't think of you.

Think of me
for the memory of the luck we shared
when we found each other.

Dedicated to CB.

From the bottom of my heart,Vera.

Have you ever heard that our hands are able to tell our story? I have.The sad thing is that mine don't show the story I want to live.But the one I am allowed to have for the moment.So this is the part where my freedom meets the limit.This is the part where all the doors are shut on my face with big signs warning me to not even think about coming closer to knock them.So I've learned not to waste my time.All the doors I've dared to knock usually open when they see me;my not so bad appearance,my haughty personality,my "killer smile"(haha,a customer where I work calls it like that),my achievements at school,my teachers' recommendations,the awards I got in High School.But nothing seems to be enough when they ask the right question.And to their bad luck,I answer the last thing they want to hear.So as soon as I see the reactions on their faces,my pride makes me walk away with a sincere but sad "thank you". The only thing left to do was to become the best at everything.Learning everything.Every necessary technique to succeed.So when I reach a higher level of experience I could be able to find my own door.

I don't give up on my dreams specially when I know for sure I won't ever find anything else that could fulfill me as much as they do.But I'm smart enough to give up when it depends on someone else besides me like a relationship where there are two different,separated and independent sides.It's like two worlds trying to collide.As I see nothing coming from the other side then I realize it's time to go.But still I move aside loving him in an incredible way.I can't even believe I could get to love a total stranger this much.I love him enough to let him go when he needs to go or when he wants to go.I love him enough to forgive myself for believing again in him many times knowing he was going to disappoint me for sure.And sometimes I think I shouldn't give up on him just yet but it would be like ignoring the words of his silence and all the doubts he has.So then I am able to understand I can't be by myself in this.When it's about two people then he has to be in it as well but he is not.So yeah,I'm slowly and quietly stepping aside so he could do whatever he loves to do,whatever things he has to do,all the more important things he is doing without me bugging him all the time.I want him to be happy no matter what he does.Knowing that he smiles and laughs although I can't see him, fulfills me all the way through.I'm moving aside because I feel like I'm always on his way.Yeah like I guessed before, he doesn't have time to even spare a random thought about us.I always do it this way.I don't punch anyone on the face before I step aside.I do it softly,tenderly and in a nice way.I take the blame for everything and then I move to the side.That's just the way I am and I don't want to change it.Except the harsh part of doing this against my will comes when no one is watching or hearing me.But that's when the lights are off and I find myself in body and soul completely naked.It's when I face myself.

My hands have medium size and bony fingers.Most of the time they are dry and usually bleed at winter time.I don't polish my nails.I trim them real short boy style.They are cold the majority of the time except when I have fever.When I go through any emotion they are even colder and feel stiff.The skin has a lot of wrinkles and lines all over.It barely has some elasticity.It's rough and very thick.And where my fingers connect with my hands I have a line of calluses.They are very pale.

Smelly fingers... are what describe my hands.They smell like dough.Like raw vegetables and raw meats.They smell like sanitizer and bleach.I have burns and knife cuts over my arms,hands and fingers.But only when I work.But still somehow,just like memories,that strange smell stays on my fingers.Engraved on them.

One day,I aim for them to change smell and appearance.To have paper cuts instead of knife cuts.To smell like wood pencils in place of vegetables.To have ink instead of blood.To get cramps from writing too much not from change in temperatures.To possess that sweet smell of a new book,still hot and fresh ink.So then I could sigh.That's the smell our dreams have when we reach them.Perfect,beautiful and mesmerizing.And I believe that's when my Creator feels proud to have made me.When my Creator doesn't regret to have given me this only chance I have to be happy,to enjoy even the most painful things,and to love with my whole being beyond any boundary there could ever be.

And like love,that sweet and comforting smell,makes every tear and pain worth living again.Anything and everything seems insignificant compared to it. :D

From the bottom of my heart,Vera.

I looooveeee the lyrics and he is a great singer.He has just the perfect words to summarize this blog!