There are times in which you wish you could go back in time and say the things that needed to be said but somehow you never found the right moment to tell them. And funny thing is that it was always the right moment but you didn’t know how to tell them. My mother told me that it’s never too late to do something to change the present, to give the past a little rest and to help the future shine for us. She said the only thing that could make us believe that it’s too late to do something, is death. Because that’s the end of it all, at least that’s what we believe in. Everything else has a solution. If there is an equation, then there is always a way to solve it. Relationships are the hardest things in life. Because, just in case nobody knew that, relationships consist on more than one person. So communication, truth and acceptation are the basics for every human relationship. If you are successful with all three of them then I think you have found the meaning of love. And although it sounds stupid, unbelievable, childish, weird or extremely cheesy I will say all the things I want to say. Because I can and it could never be enough. So he must know that it’s all true.

CB,the fact that I went above and beyond to be with you and that you never did anything for me,for whatever reason doesn’t matter anymore, does not change a thing, it never changed a thing and it never will. I know I shouldn’t. I know you might not deserve it. But this is how I love you; exactly for who you are.You see, my love went into different phases. It started with only wanting to be with you everywhere and all the time. Then it moved to falling for you although it felt more like a rising.Then it turned into actually doing everything necessary to be with you and I think I took it to the extreme. Then it grew into putting together every moment we shared so I could get to know you and love you for who you are. After that, somehow and for some unknown reason, it jumped a big leap into being able to give my life for you if ever needed to happen. And now I just want you to be happy. I want you to find everything you need and have the courage to fight for what you want. I want you to find your happiness and stick with it. Even if you are never with me. Even when you don’t love me back I’ve given in so I could love you beyond anything reasonable and with every single fiber of my being.

Throughout that scale, fear invaded me; your unknown world which you never cleared for me, the things you said you did and made them seem bad all the time like it was okay to fear you, and my circumstances somehow affecting you and crashing against your ideals and sooner or later hate me for them. Or even worse, feeling pity for me. Now that would make me hate you. So I couldn’t realize how this love was growing inside of me. The only thing I always waited for was for you to show me that you wanted my love for real. To stop fantasizing about me and make me real. To let me into your world and come into mine. To build some common ground together, you know. But I never wanted to ask you for anything in exchange of my love. Because I wanted for it to come from you without me telling you what to do. I wanted for my love to never interfere with your free will. I didn't want you to be with me just because I love you. Everything I could give you will never be enough for both of us. I think I deserve to be loved as well for who I am. And I waited to see if you actually loved me but I don't think you even care or know me a little. I believed that if we were put between all this nonsense it's because something, somehow believed we could deal with all this and more. Something believed in us, something gave us all we need to jump every obstacle we could find in the way and finally be together. I believed all this when I believed in you.

I’m sorry if I confused you. I always wanted to see that “anything” you said you would do for me. Or at least to know what it was all about. But I think you weren’t sure about it so I never bugged you about it. Still that doesn’t change how I feel for you. I don’t understand why you never could do that “anything” to be with me but I accept it because it was your choice. If I say I realized too late it’s because we both let it fade away. Whatever little hope we had in each other, we let it vanish. It’s not that I never gave you the chance, the chance was always there and you knew it. I never denied it to you but you never wanted to take it. Somehow I could never understand what it was that you really wanted with me. And I tried to make you understand how I felt. I tried to communicate with you to tell you what was going on with me and all the things I was going through. Hoping you would try to do the same. I tried and you have almost a thousand proofs of it. Never read.

But you were never clear. And I never knew if it was me the one who couldn’t understand you or it was you the one who didn’t want to be understood. Maybe I always expected too much from you but I believed you were able to give me that much, that you were those who break the stereotype. And I think I deserve that much. It breaks my heart to know that your good intentions never grew as much as mine did. If you only knew that I always wanted to be with you in every single way from the very first moment I saw you. There was something about you that made us so alike and so opposite at the same time that I just craved for you. And I couldn’t retain it. I didn’t want to hide it. I always tried to make you laugh. To say crazy things so you could make fun of me. To behave dumb and innocent just to get a smile out of you, to get a joke out of you, or one of those comments of yours that made everybody laugh. I was happy most of the time, although uncertainty was killing me, just to make you happy. Just to let you know I was okay in case you ever cared. I always asked questions not to bother you but to get to know you a little better. I didn't want to lie to you at all so I told you everything and that was probably a big mistake but I thought maybe that way you could finally open up with me. I remember all of our conversations. Those times when you actually shared your thoughts with me. Those times when we both fell asleep talking nonsense on the phone. Those times in which you weren't afraid of saying what you really wanted to say. Those times in which I hated you for falling asleep while I waited for your call. None of the things you ever said were ridiculous to me, they meant the world to me. Those times in which we both wished on lie down holding each other, just lie down next to each other it's how we dreamed of spending the nights. Every single thing I did and said had you written all over it. I just thought you should know.

So now after all this time we have wasted away from each other, tell me the truth. That you are happy now. Tell me you don’t miss me as much as I do. Tell me that you never loved me. That you have found happiness away from me. If we had trouble with being together before now it’s even harder because my love seems to be too much for you and yours I simply don’t know. And I don’t think I could ever know. I don’t read minds, yet. I wish though, so I could understand you. I don’t know how things can get better with time if you are not here. But I’ll try, I promise you. I’ll try.

Why am I confessing all this then? Well, it’s because it helps relieve this pain. It’s like a pill to help calm this painful longing for you. At least I won’t leave anything unsaid.

Nothing could ever be enough... to finish telling you everything...

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.

I've been so tired lately.I fall asleep wherever I am;at dinner time,on the couch,on the floor watching tv,on my computer.I just want to sleep but somehow I don't feel like waking up anymore.Honestly every morning recently starts when I open my eyes and the first thing I say is "why another day?why am I still here?".I was remembering myself a few months ago when everything was becoming routine and tiring.I remember myself 25lbs ago,by the way I am 10lbs under my ideal now.I remember myself so focused on my goals and strong faith.I believed in everything around me.I believed in goodness inside of people and hope that could elevate you close to paradise ought to be like.I believed in fate just to keep myself fighting instead of giving up.I believed in reasons for everything we do and we don't do.I believed in a purpose for my existence which someday was going to reveal itself to me.I believed that everything was possible and reachable.You just had to believed you could and nothing could stop you from getting and achieving what you desire.

My inspiration came from a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.I believed that love was something meant to reward you.To make you kneel down besides your pride and the resistance you put against it.(I still believe though that love can't touch your dignity,it doesn't mess up with it,instead it bugs your pride.)To make you want to become better.To make you realize how blind and wrong you've been all this time.To make you forgive anything when truth becomes tangible and it's born from the very core of your soul.To make you amazingly perfect.But the question is:Does it have to be mutual? And my answer after so many days,weeks and months is:No.It does not have to be mutual.What else could you wish for but for it to be mutual? But it doesn't matter.Although the recipient of this love doesn't want it,love is always given.It can't be denied,replaced or taken away.I believed that was the only way I could notice when the one meant for me would arrive to my life.I believed that he could be the only one to make me bring my wall down,that shield I have to protect the most sensible part of me,and let him into my world.I believed he was going to come when I needed him the most to save me from myself.And I also believed I was going to do the same to him;make a change for good in his life.That was my way to recognize the one meant for me.

I don't understand why.And maybe I don't want to understand reasons anymore but I can't imagine how my beliefs have changed.I think when someone very special to you disappoints all your trust and your faith in that person,you reach this point.You stop believing.You stop caring about everything you used to care for so much.You stop believing in hope.You lose your faith.It's like the best thing could happen to me the next second and I wouldn't even notice it.Because it doesn't matter anymore.Because the meaning you found walked away with that person.And sadly,he didn't even realize all he took from me.

Truth is crappy when it had been there all the time but you didn't want to see it.It's ugly when everyone warned you about it;they could see things that you ignored because you had faith in that person's words.You had faith in that someone's favorite phrase he used to keep you feeding his ego while he rejoiced having you like his shadow and all the other females shaking their artificial asses in front of him, all at the same time.But lucky him;he always had everything so I don't think he will even notice I am gone.And I won't come back this time.Lucky him;he has so many others to choose from and so many things that he won't even miss me a little.I am glad though.At least on his side,everything will be as smooth as always.I don't want him to suffer at all.

So when he made me realize I am only a number in his list, truth knocked me down.I don't have a name or a memory.I am number seven.And when number eight comes and asks him for all the others before her,I bet he will skip me.Then she will ask him the reason for skipping number seven and he will say that number seven never meant anything to him.At least he won't lie as he tells her.I can predict he will tell her that number seven is in a mental institution and he prefers to skip someone so embarrassing.

Why is my faith in everything missing,then? Creator is out of this,of course.Creator had nothing to do with it.Creator is a faith with certainty,it's indestructible.My love for this dude is certainty as well. Well,I guess the answer to that question is because he turned into my everything.And I stopped believing in him so obviously I stopped believing in everything.

My friend,Eric is moving away in one more month.Somehow I know that our friendship will be put to test when he is hours away from me.But he knows at least my side of the friendship won't break.He knows I don't throw amazing things away,I keep them although they hurt.He tried to cheer me up when he told me that maybe when he mentions me to his next one,he will not deny me anymore.And I laughed so hard at his comment.I laughed because I am tired of crying.I thanked him for trying to bring a smile to my face but I told him:why would he not deny me anymore?He always kept me on the side right outside of his world.Of course he will deny me.I never existed for him.He never wanted to make me real.

I don't forget,I don't hate,I don't take revenge,I don't curse anyone because I know for sure that I will do all that to the degree that I love.People tell me to stop being so passionate all the time but I was born with it.I was made like this.

So yep,I am only his number seven.And funny thing is that he erased all the others in my list to take the place of the only one who has all of me.He erased all the memories the other ones left in my past.My list is blank.No names,no memories.He is the first one like no other guy came into my path before him.And he became my only one.

Who said it was fair?Who said it was easy?I asked a very wise person why is it that we always let go of the things we truly want? And he answered me with his cozy voice that we do so because of fear.He said that we are so afraid of finding everything we are looking for in that something we want that fear blinds us and so we stick with something else safer.The things we desire wake up passion in us and we are terrified by letting ourselves be taken by that passion.Passion hurts,that's why you are always in pain,Vera.He gazed at me.The only thing we should do is go for it and stop being afraid of it.That's what I admire of you,Vera,he added,you are not afraid of passion;you climb on its back!.The rest of us,he said,are extremely terrified by it that's why we never keep what we truly want.Becoming a conformist is the safe side and everyone prefers that.

It's been so long since I don't see my friend,John.So I told him everything about him;who he is,all the things he likes,his dreams,his mistakes,his personality,his good and bad things,the things he hates,his beliefs,his ideals,his goals in life,his crazy thoughts.Everything about him except our story.My friend stared at my eyes the whole time.He smiled when I smiled and got sad when I got sad.Then he came close to me almost invading my personal space,so I backed away a little.He literally dropped his jaw and his eyes were shinning.I said:"what? What happened?" He answered while looking at my eyes:"You do love him.I can see him reflected in your eyes.You actually do.I just think none of you have realized yet how lucky you both are to have found each other.We all wait for this our whole lives and for the majority of us that someone never arrives.But you two found each other.Don't let go,he said." And so I answered that I wasn't letting go of him,I just felt like I was getting in his way and he pushed me away every time I tried to make contact with him.He never cared for anything about me but I don't think he will ever notice that.I know him enough to be able to say that he will blame the whole thing on me.John made a confession to me though,he said:"maybe life got you two together before time and he is not ready for you yet.You are way ahead of him,Vera.You know what you want but he doesn't.He might think he will lose everything if he is with you but in reality he had everything when you were with him and he still pushes you away.That's why his eyes were amazing when you went out with him just like yours are right now.If he is as intelligent as you said he is then he will notice soon.I hope so."I think I made him remember something about his youth as he began to cry with a smile on his face.He is 62 years old now.And he laughed and cried at the same time.I did as well.Then I added with tears in my eyes:"He has all the time he needs,John,I will never stop loving him."We looked funny.We looked crazy."I know you won't,Vera.I just hope he realizes soon because I don't want to see any of you away from each other anymore.You two deserve the chance life has given to both of you when you crossed paths.Time is not something you should take for granted,specially with someone like you,Vera.I want to see you and him happy as soon as possible."He concluded.And I thanked him for having the faith I can't seem to regain.Day after day,the leftovers of my faith keep fading away without him.

I told my friends that if he was ever in danger I am able to give my life for his.I wouldn't think about it twice.It is instinctive.It has been like this since he became my heart and that happened when we went out.Because life doesn't mean anything without him.Bitter people call me crazy,insane people call me a masochist,young people call me dramatic,old people call me complicated.I just know that none of them have ever loved anyone like this before.They end up putting their hurt pride in front of their love like if that could solve anything and looking for a replacement and hating the other one.I don't want to forget him,so I don't even try.I don't want to hate him because he had his reasons for not caring and there is no one to blame.I don't want to look for a replacement because I know I won't find it.And I am not waiting for him to do something so we could be together anymore.I stopped believing in his words.I am just loving him like he deserves to be loved,yes,besides everything;unconditionally,free and with every single bit of me.John believes I am very humble,this is why no one is able to understand it.Humble people are mistaken as being stupid or pushover that's why they are almost nonexistent,John says.Be happy,Vera,you are very special,he laughed out loud,one of a kind.


PS:After all the songs I've listened to this one and Digital love by Daft Punk will always be our songs,my man.
Linger by The Cranberries.

Last night I faced the truth and it wasn't pretty at all.I wanted to confirm what seemed to be true and whatever I did proved the whole thing right.So yeah,I shed some tears.For the whole night.Although it might seem to people that I am a heartless b****,believe me that the few times I cry I do so only for a very strong reason and during a long time.But somehow I can't hate that person I cried for last night.I understand him.And I take the blame for everything that happened.Like always I start with the best intentions ever and I end f******everything up.

Our beginning wasn't that good.We both started with the wrong foot and hurried up things that weren't supposed to happen just yet.And I was so terrified by his circumstances that I kept pushing him away from all those who I love and from myself.The only thing I knew about him was scary and unknown to me so I always thought he could hurt my family somehow.I feared him.
But he kept following me,chasing after me.And I moved from being attracted to him to falling in love with him.That was when I lost the fear.And I started to believe in him.I began to actually listen to his answers when I asked something.He seemed so sure.So into our conversations.He made me believe in him.I kept falling more and more in love with him.I felt passion running through my veins when I had him close and I heard his voice.It burned me slowly but pleasantly.It made my cheeks blush and gave a certain catlike shape to my eyes.I wanted to possess his anatomy so badly.
Then he began to call me cute names when things calmed a little.And the romance began.I felt butterflies when we talked for hours on the phone.He always had time for me no matter how late it was.I wrote poetry for him.Cheesy poetry.Every song reminded me of him.He promised to write a song for me.But I guess he forgot about that too as I never got it.I sighed and I called him cute names as well.Names that made him become so mine.He was fulfilling all my needs.I lost weight like crazy but I looked happy.Nothing seemed to put me down.
I had hope that he was soon going to come and together make our thing to work out besides our pasts shadowing us.Besides our wrong decisions getting between us.Besides all the things we messed up for being so inpatient.He proposed a new beginning for both.We were going to start from zero and getting to know each other as friends only.Like it should have been from the very start.But I couldn't.I felt I belonged to him and I felt he was mine.And there couldn't be friendship between us.I couldn't just erase everything that happened.I needed to forgive myself and then forgive him.So I did and it was like we had just met.I forgave all the stupid things we both did and I kept the good ones.Fresh and new start.

Time passed.Days turned into weeks.Weeks turned into months.And I stopped gazing at my window,waiting for his jeep to park at my front door.I stopped turning to see the door every time someone walked into the place where I work.Hoping I could see him walk in and give me a long smooch.But after so long,he never did.And after that lost hope,the feeling faded away.I wasn't in love with him anymore.Then as he was always busy with school and work we could barely talk.The passion slowly died.It wasn't that important anymore.
And his silence,for days,completely killed my romance.No word from him.No comments.No caring or wondering how I'm doing anymore.But I still cared for him.
Although the feeling,the passion and the romance had died.I care for him.I pray for him every night.Wishing he is happy even if he isn't with me.Wishing he has good health and desire to live and being better.I wish for all the good things meant for me to be given to him.I want to hear he is happy and he found the one for him.It's not about us anymore.He had killed the "us" part.It was only about him and I as two separate people who found out they liked each other.
I found a reason to keep going forward.And if I was good I wanted to be better for myself and then for him.I saw him as my prize.If I was good enough then I could be granted the chance to be with him.I was losing hope when he arrived.My family life was turning into a monster and it was soon going to attack.So he wasn't the reason for me to activate the bomb.And make it explode at home.It had to happen sooner or later but if it wasn't for him and for the hope he brought me,I should have never had the courage to save my family and bring us closer.He awoke the desire to live and enjoy what was given to me.He woke up the love I thought I had lost.He took off the rag over my eyes to make me realize how much my family loves me.

So I don't have any remorse towards him.I can't hate him.You can't hate someone that you love.I began to accept him with all his silences.With all his doubts and fears.I accepted him with all his lies and mistakes.And someone else could hate all those things about him but they form part of him.I love him just the way he is.I recognized I admire him for all the great dreams he has.For his adventurous spirit.For the strength he possesses and keeps him working hard towards his goals.I admire him for his determination and courage.For his faith and his love towards his family.The feeling turned into a certainty so gigantic and magnificent I could barely grasp it in my mind.It's too big and nothing,nothing in this world if it's not divine could never destroy it.I love the kid he is right now.I love the man I found in his eyes.The man who he wants to be but somehow his circle of friends,so vague and flimsy,stop him from being that amazing man he is turning into.He has passionate blood just like me.And has a huge heart.Although his male instinct won't allow him to realize it.

The most logical thing would be giving up on him since he gave up on me already.Disappearing from his reach and memory forever since he erased me already.Replacing him with my best friend who has always been in love with me.So I could move on.But I won't.I can't fool my heart.I can't lie to this certainty that has invaded me in body and soul.So I won't do any of them.
Time will do its job.By next year I would be somewhere else from this house so my family and I could bring our dreams closer to us.And then around one more year I will finally have the tools to go after my only dream.I am not waiting for a chance that could never be mine,because of my weird circumstances.I found a way to get to my dreams by myself without using anybody or anything else.And it all depends on how strong my will is.I have no doubt I will reach it.
I wish he could be by my side.Holding onto each other.Encouraging each other.Making each other better.But after all this time and his long silences and his careless feelings for me.And his words that don't match his actions.I realized he just doesn't want me for that.The truth always hurts.I just believe he has good intentions.I didn't want to marry him.I just wanted to share some time with him.And if we somehow realize we want to take that huge step together then it could wait anyways because we both have many things to do.I just wanted for us to do them together.Since we crossed paths then we could take the chance given to us and walk together towards the same direction.I guess he doesn't want to go in the same direction I'm going but then I don't understand why doesn't he just say so.He prefers to leave me overthinking what he can't say.But I believe he is the one who is afraid of me now.Afraid of my circumstances.I somehow knew it was going to happen.But I confessed him my circumstances because I believed he was more free and intelligent than that.And believe me,I still think he is.

Besides all the wrong things we did and how everything ended up between us.I have to confess that I love him with all my heart and my soul and that he still has and will always have...all of me.

I wish I could have the right words to start this blog. It's so difficult. I mean life is already too complicated to be blamed for everything that turned out wrong. My mother thanked me today for breaking her family in little pieces. She said I was the one who decided to move out of the circle and so I broke the family bond we had. If we ever had any at all. To my eyes my brothers have always been apart from her and I. It's just that they never dared to speak their mind before I did. To her eyes we were always together, and to her little magical world I was the only one who could never fit in and who broke everything at the end. She told me karma will come and get me. And it will charge me in a very exaggerated way for everything I've done to them.

I've always needed them my whole life. I've always made them feel like I needed them and that I could die without them. So to me the reason each one of them stay at home with the rest of us is because I needed them. Now that I showed them I don't need them,and of course it makes me feel like a f****** b**** who uses people and throws them away when they are not needed anymore, they feel like their duty as brothers and my protectors is over and it's time for them to walk away and find their own path. And so I ask myself what could be wrong with that. Isn't it fair for them to look for their paths? For their own lives? And to seek their own destiny? Isn't that the purpose of a human being? We don't have anything at all that normal people would have. No friends. No people with influences to help us somehow. No family members who would back us up. We don't have a past. We don't have a future. And our present is lived at home each one of us locked into our bedrooms and sometimes sharing our time with my mother. No significant others. No personal lives. All of our dreams on hold if we still have any of them alive. We never communicated with each other. We had family reunions in which we would normally talk about our plans and how each one of us will help to carry them out. But at the end of our long and interesting family conversations we ended up just like before; with nothing at all. So what have I broken then? It seems to me the only thing I did was to take off the masks we were all wearing to make my mother happy and hide our true desires. Correct me please,if I am wrong. One of my brothers always wanted to go but somehow for whatever reason he stayed. The other two seemed to be comfortable just the way things were. The oldest one feels like a father to me. So now that I don't need him he's planning to look for a family who would need him. The problem is my mother believes none of them is ready to start their own family and to seek their paths. None of them have anything to offer to any woman and the only thing women will do is kick their asses away from them for being so good for nothing. And honestly it worries me as well. Nowadays women, I include myself in it, have become so independent and selfsufficient. We are looking for partners to share our lives not to become the husband's property or to completely depend on them.

They are not ready to take the challenge yet. They are almost going to be thirty and still my mother and I believe they are not ready. We both believe that the pain of losing someone you choose to be your partner just because you weren't enough is unbearable. And this is the pain my mother wants to save all of us from. But again my principles go back to the beggining. It's not what you have or posses but who you are that makes the difference. I believe strongly that if we become everything we always dream of becoming then everything becomes reachable. Nothing is hard to find or posses anymore because we have found ourselves and have found purpose in life. My brothers need to find their purpose. I know my mother would love for them to stay at home and find their purpose by her side but it's not possible. Things were going wrong way before all this and I just had to touch the bomb to make it explode. Her and I began to have bigger issues. I was completely a pushover to the point where it was my duty as woman of the family to do everything and be the best and stay quiet. It wasn't a choice or part of a democracy. It was because in that way I could be the perfect woman my mother wants me to be. I guess they all reached my breaking point. They reached my limits and I began to speak my mind and actually rebel with a clear purpose and ask for equality. It began with the home chores. Why don't they help you like I do,mother? Why can't I do the things I like just like they do instead of helping clean the kitchen or wash their clothes? I began to question. And I demanded my equality and she didn't like that at all. So now that I don't do all that anymore, in her eyes I am completely wrong. In her eyes I am ungrateful for not washing their clothes or cooking their food after all the time they have wasted on me.

I've been analyzing and the only thing there ever was it's the bond my mother and I had. I broke it. This is what has kept us together for so long. I walked away completely from her to find myself without her governing my thoughts and feelings. I was becoming her shadow. And believe me it can be the best shadow I could ever dream to become into. But where's my individuality then? Is Vera meant to be a clone of hers? Is Vera part of a family or the follower of a family? Shut up and follow. This is how she was raised and it's funny that she never liked it that way and she's doing it with me. She always broke the mold. She always rebelled. The only thing I abhor about her is her power to manipulate in a very subtle way that you won't even notice until you are in. And I hope I will never do this. This is why I want honesty from those surrounding me. For the time I would do such thing someone will snap me out of it. It's the most terrible thing you could do to someone. Kiling their freedom to choose. Making them do things against their own will. I know her so well that I am able to realize when she does it. Strangely most of the time she doesn't even notice she is doing so.

So I have two options now.
First option: find a way to fix the bond my mother and I had. In this way I could bring my family back together.I've always been the strong one of the family. The one who would tell them to their faces when they failed with the exact words they needed to hear. The one who always backed up my mother. And defended her point of view as my own. The one who could be sweet enough to snap them out of their anger. The one who could be strong enough to build an actual bond between all of us. The one who could redirection all of our paths towards one same dream we all had six years ago with my idealistic beliefs. The one who could remind them they are somehow still needed by my mother and me. In this way we will all stay by my mother's side. Until she has enough confidence to say when we are ready to take flight. I know I am able to build something really good between all of us not like the fake crap we had before. To finally have a concrete plan. To be part of my family and not someone on the side anymore. In my country we call it being made of chocolate. It means that it's so insignificant it's not even worth the time.And yes I have to accept my pushoverness makes me look kind of chocolate at times. My mother will be happy. I will have them close by so I could be able to help them with their issues. And we will all work together towards fulfilling our only dream. My mother says that a woman has the power to either build or destroy. To her eyes and to mine I somehow destroyed whatever little or much we had. So I understand it's my duty now to rebuild it and make it better.

Second option: give a damn about everything. Move out of my house and start doing the things I want to do. Mind my own business and declare my independence as soon as possible like I had planned before. Let them walk away and leave my mother alone. Each one of us following our own ideals and looking for our own paths. Although I'll always be blamed for it if we all fail. It's a heavy remorse, you know.Simply being completely selfish and ungrateful. I will break my mother's heart. And I can't because I love her. And I love them so much.

So I guess we all know which one I will choose. Seven years ago I would have chosen the second option but I won't this time. My personal discovery can wait, right? I mean, what's another twenty years? If my mother devoted her whole life to us then, why can't I? Why can't I do the same to finally be grateful to them for eveything they have given me? I broke this even if it was something insignificant. I will place Vera on hold again.I will tame her again so she could let me put her leash back on. I know I won't regret it because I love my family but it will still hurt to put everything back on hold at least while I fix this thing.

The lyrics are pretty cool!

A thin ray of light from the morning sun shines through my window. It perforates the white wood blinds. Takes possession of the golden color of my curtains. And finds a huge abyss in my chest. It somehow pretends to melt what was left frozen and to glue back together what was left broken. The same happens with the hot water as I take a shower every day. No matter how hot it gets I can’t feel it against the coldness that took over me. I do feel peaceful, so much that I am able to communicate it again. I’ve always believed that knowledge will set us free. So now that I can understand how everything is going on I feel free again. And feeling free makes me find the peace inside of me.

Back at home, things haven’t changed that much. I feel this desire to tell my mother how bad I feel about everything that happened but somehow I can’t. Words can’t seem to come out of my mouth. They get stuck between my throat and this coldness in my heart. I asked her to believe in me for once, to hold on to me and wait to see for herself what I was trying to do but she didn’t want to and gave up on me. She didn’t want to suffer anymore. And I understand her completely. I hate suffering. I abhor it. I have so many things to tell her. So many others to apologize for. But I don’t dare because I will never say what she wants to hear and that might hurt her more than my silence. She tries to talk to me and I respond politely. And it kills me when she puts the chairs together and waits for me. But I never arrive because I know I am not healed yet and I will affect her somehow. And she will ask questions that I will not know how to answer. I won’t be able to tell her how everything went after the last thing I told her because I know she will call me what I am: just someone very stupid to allow someone like him to hurt me this badly. She’ll feel disappointed in me again. I miss her though. I miss my only true friend since I was a baby. On her last birthday I sew on a white throw blanket “I love you” in seven different languages. And she remembered that. She added, some days ago, that she missed the one who made that blanket for her. That she missed the sweetest part of me. She missed her little “doll” who still needed her very much a year ago. And I thought while I half smiled to her that I miss her as well. I miss Vera. That’s the way mothers want to be loved, the majority of them. I believe that the meaning of our existence is to feel needed by someone. When you are not needed by that someone anymore then your purpose is over and the strength to keep on going fades away. And when you realize you are letting yourself be taken away by time. Nothing makes sense again. This is what I see in my mother’s eyes. My brothers don’t need her anymore but they know that her reason to exist could just vanish if they are as cruel as I was to her.

One of the things I couldn’t understand before was that she raised me to be independent in every way. I pay my own bills, I take care of my debts, I have my bank account and my own credit cards, I buy my own stuff and clothes, I maintain my cats well groomed and fed. Actually, I can’t believe my cats visited a “beauty salon” before me. I’ve never been into one. But I do need it at times. You just need a place where you can be pampered but I always find something more important to do. Beauty starts from inside out and I strongly believe that our spirit and all the good we are inside will never grow old or get ugly. Let’s make a phrase about it: “fill the insides first with wonderful and amazing things every day and then give a little shine to the shell at times” I hope it makes sense! I pay for my own food. I wash my own clothes. I clean my own bedroom and I also mown the lawn not that often anymore, luckily. I clean the bathroom my mama and I share. And I help clean up the kitchen or wash the dishes sometimes. The only thing I need from my brothers is transportation. And I guess if I don’t have my own yet is because they think I will go to places where I will get in trouble and I am not ready for that big responsibility yet. Plus I hate driving. I ran over a dog once. And I felt so crappy about it. So every time I drive, my hands sweat all the time. Somehow I had been encouraged to be independent. “It’s time to grow up” “It’s time to detach yourself a little bit from home” are two of the phrases I heard all the time. And the funny thing is that when I finally want to grow up and detach myself a little from home, it seems kind of extreme for them. And everything just matched. CB arrives at the exact moment when I was claiming my independence. And of course the law of reason tells you the guy is what’s pushing me to leave home. But I know it’s not. I know it never was. So I didn’t even care about what they said about that. In a few words what family mean when they say “grow up” it’s do so but not that much.

I used to do many other things before besides my own stuff. I couldn’t get tired or frustrated. I had to keep on going. Taking care of my responsibilities. Taking care of my dreams and make them come true. Taking care of my lazy brothers. Taking care of everyone else before me. The perfect woman she said. If your hands crack and bleed then put a band aid on and keep working. I am a woman, and women are meant to be better and stronger than men. We were made to outlast anything and she just wants me to be ready for when life gets harder on me. It was inevitable. I was exhausted. I couldn’t write anymore or dedicate some time to my personal life. And of course romantic life was so out of plans. I don’t want to be that perfect. I want a balance and that’s not even close to a balance.

It’s funny that people call me bipolar. One of my friend’s dad is a psychologist and began to ask me some questions. So I told him, as honest as I allowed myself to be with him, how my life was. I never mentioned anything about bipolar disorder and he said after listening to me for a while: “You are definitely one of a kind. I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life. You are absolutely special in every single way. I might tell you that you have a bipolar disease but usually those who suffer from it are not able to notice they have more than one side. The method you are using is a very common one that I personally use on my patients. It’s based on the evil and the angel principle. Your so- out- of- the- ordinary need to understand everything, to know the “why” of everything you do, leads you to make your two sides, which everybody has them, face each other. At times you seem pretty bipolar but once you find the balance you are looking for then your two sides connect again.” He laughed very hard. Then he blushed and said: “I mean, who cares if you are or you are not bipolar. Beautiful, intelligent, kind, strong, perfect sense of humor, outstanding personality. What else could you ask for? Who’s the lucky one?” Then I said after blushing and thanking him for his compliments: “Well, I guess he didn’t want to be that lucky!” And then he added smiling: “… and clever. Wow! What a discovery you are, young lady!” Honestly, it feels so good to have a conversation with someone who actually knows what you are talking about. We chatted about the latest changes in politics and economy, how we are screwing up our own planet, we talked about how religions divide people and then we focused on debating about UFOs (I can’t remember how this got into our conversation). Then he had to go because it was three in the morning and Brittany had fallen asleep on my couch waiting for us to finish talking. If it’s not about babies, pets and boys, people my age have nothing else to talk about.

A few days ago I was taking a dine in order at my work place. These three ladies walked in and one of them; pretty, in her mid-30s, thin, nice body order one small thing and a drink while her other two friends stuffed themselves with three times what she got. Then they asked her why she wasn’t going to eat normal. So I had them right in front of me. Of course I politely took their orders and waited for them to take a breath so I could be able to finish. They got mad at me every time I interrupted their enjoyable conversation to proceed with my job. My worker was staring at my attitude the whole time probably trying to see how patient I could be. So the lady who ate less than the others commented that she couldn’t eat normal because she had to get her bootie and boobs done and Botox as well by November 1st. And I thought by looking at her that if she was to get more than what she had already she could explode. Then I realized she was trying to put on outside what she lacks inside. Our spirits are like Swiss-cheese. All full with holes. And throughout our lives we search for something that could fill in each one of those holes. And this is why we have expensive cars, fine jewelry, fancy houses, and rings around our fingers to prove something that is meant to be ethereal and modified bodies. All those materialistic things that end up being meaningless. Honestly I believe that if it wasn’t against the law I wouldn’t wear any clothes at all. It sounds crazy but I would be the first one. I don’t need them. They are just masks that become heavy layers. And then we start to forget who we really are and where we truly come from. We lose our purpose in life and when everything and everyone leaves from our side, a painful and lonely echo remains inside of us. If the holes remain empty on the cheese, then what’s the point if it looks edible and when you try to eat it will just be half the cheese because the other half are only bubbles. I am sorry if I confused you. I speak in metaphors all the time. Suddenly I realized that is the very, very, very last thing I could ever want to be.

So I am writing my novel. The first one I am actually planning to publish. I want to dedicate my entire time to it (or what’s left of it, I’ve been really busy lately). It’s called The Viking and talks about a love story that was ill-fated, talks about revenge, forgiveness, and an extraordinary woman whose savage way of killing her enemies gives her that nickname. It will have the best ending ever when she learns the lesson she needed to learn and the dude finally gets to keep her. It’s going to be amazing I promise. And as soon as I am done with it I will find a way to publish it. My friends tell me that they have no idea how I am going to be able to achieve my dreams but they know that when I have certainty for something it’s because it will happen. There’s always a way. This I know for sure.

With CB, well things didn’t go as planned. And I can’t end something that we never even started. It’s not pending anymore. He finished it the way he thought he had to. His words never matched his actions and I couldn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. I didn’t feel right doing it. He strongly believed or pretended to believe that I was too much for him and he didn’t deserve me so I tried in any possible way to explain to him that I’m nothing compared to what he deserves but his silence spoke more than any word he ever said or texted. So if he believes he deserves crap then good luck with that. I hope he finds the crap he is truly looking for. Honestly I can’t do anything about it. If he thought I was going to give him shit because he thinks he deserves shit, I am never going to do that. The point is to be better not worse. To aim for the best things not the worst ones. I never said he didn’t deserve me. I said he didn’t deserve my circumstances but after a while I realized there was no way he could get affected by them. It was just his very childish excuse for not having the guts to face opossition. I was trying to convince him that he had the chance he asked for with me and the only thing he had to do was to somehow prove me all those things he texted and made them sound so true. Just whatever that could make those empty words real. I now understand he never did it because they were never true. But if he doesn't believe in himself, how am I supposed to believe in him? All of a sudden I was able to look at myself and what I was turning into just to go after him and my pride just opened my eyes and made me realize the ridiculous and pathetic role I was playing. I felt like a beggar. And I hated it with my whole being. But I still needed to know why he was so silent. Was he okay? Was he still alive? Was he mad or sad? Did he get any of the hundred messages I sent him? I needed to know what was going on. And I asked in a way I knew he was going to answer. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all. Nobody wants to hear the truth that was always there from the very beginning. He runs as if time was slipping like sand through his hands. He runs towards his own direction, using and leaving behind everything and everyone who crosses his way. I, on the other hand, walk because everything has a place and a moment and you can’t go back or jump ahead any second. So I stop at times to smell the flowers, to stare at the sky which mesmerizes me like his eyes do and I even stopped to see him run by so fast that he couldn’t even hear when I said “good luck”. That was when I realized he was so busy. He has so many things to do. His business agenda is full until the day he leaves to his next destination where he truly belongs to. And not only he didn’t have time for us but I noticed I was never on his list of things to do. His silence showed he must think of us as a waste of his precious time.He never booked me into his agenda. So like I always suspected, I was only going to be there when any of his meetings got canceled or there was no one else and spend a couple of nights and then bye bye. It wasn't going to be a waste of my virginity but a waste of my heart. I could have been very well sexually pleased but not emotionally at all. And to me the one without the other is pointless and useless. It's like having only the bubbles of the Swiss-cheese. It's incomplete.This passion for him. This desire to do all those things to him. Made my blood boil inside of my body when I thought of him. His pleasure and mine was part of the process of being together not the only thing and I guess he never quite understood that. But I still do, I still love him deeply to be able to understand him thoroughly and finally step out of his way. But I guess it’s just me. It’s my nature and I don’t ask him to do the same. In fact I hope he found someone else already. Nothing would make me happier than seeing him happy. Pure truth, like Brittany says. So I came to the conclusion that finally him and I agree on something like a poem I wrote some time ago: “… and though you are divine, you should know you don’t deserve the ethereal, not mine” . I don’t hate him at all. I don’t regret him at all either. I actually thank for the moments we shared together and will remain in me. And I would live all this again and again just to find him running by. But I understand now. Clarity finally reached me after all this time.

Somehow everything around me is ill-fated. I destroy everything I touch, I kiss or care for. It’s like my heart, my hands and my lips were pure venom. But my innocence would like to think it’s all part of a bigger thing. And I’m getting trained for it. Whenever I dream about anything that hurts approaching my life, I look up and say “Creator, make it worth it, would you? … and don’t give me more pain than what I can handle.” And Creator always listens.

PS: My friend Eric laughed at me and said: “you f****** Vera! You either give it all or nothing at all”

From the bottom of my heart, Vera.